I'll be waiting

This is going to be my last post here, I'm going to move my blog to Wordpress (thanks to a certain someone - you know who you are!). So probably the last post. About a rather sensitive subject but it's better this way than asking a whole lot of questions to someone who's unable to give you answers. Here it comes...

I'm doing quite good, I have to say. Except of the mornings. The second I wake up, reality greets me with a painful slap and each time I wish it would kill me. Same goes for the moments before falling asleep; it's hard to push those thoughts and feelings away. Well, a few minutes ago, I woke up and actually felt good but since the world's against my fortune, my good mood got ruined. I feel like I'm not worth to be even a friend to her. And honestly, I don't believe her words. I just can't. The way she treats me... even with only a bit of truth in her words, her treatment wouldn't be as cruel! It makes me sad and angry. And perhaps this anger is the cause for this second state I'm in.
Myself is split up into three different parts or selfs. The first is the one to accept the situation and this way trying to overcome it. The second is pure... well, maybe not anger. It's just that I don't care. Superficially, I don't. About her, about her feelings, about my pain, about this whole misery. This part of me is trying to move on and let her be, maybe even trying to find someone new. And make her find someone new who can make up all my mistakes. Who makes the efforts of her tattoo worth it. So we can say our farewell to each other and live without the other in our lives. And I can move on and get out of this hell.
It's just superficial that I don't care and wish I was able to leave her behind. Deep down there's a fire eating me up from inside, I'm in huge pain, actually. But I'm not going to show it... cause this third part of me agrees with the other two, mostly, that I'll have to find someone new for me. Although no one can make me as happy as she has and she does. I'll have to live with someone that can only make me half-happy but you can't have anything, right?
I really wish I could say, "Damn, then I'll never ever fall in love again." But I can't because I need to love someone and I need to be loved. And the certain love I need is the one I can't get. Yet.
So, I guess, whatever it takes, I'll be waiting. Until her feelings are back, no matter how long it's going to take. I know she doesn't want me to, and that I shouldn't waste my time on it and that I shouldn't give my heart away. But she also says that I'm old and smart enough to decide on my own and I'm fully aware of all the consequences this will bring but I just don't care. I want her, and I want to be with her and I've decided to wait for her and if I'll have to die before I know - I don't care. I love her more than anything else before and I'm not going to give up. I don't have to if I don't want to and I don't want. She's all I've ever wanted and all I'll ever want.
I don't want to lose her and losing her includes losing her to someone else, however it's partly what I want for her. Well, I don't want to lose her to somebody else in particular, I rather want... to see her happy. No matter what it takes.

So, the conclusion of this: I'll be waiting forever if it'll take this long. I think that I'm still here, standing straight and not strong to face the tragedy, I think it shows that I'm able to wait for her. And I will be.

And this is the last thing I'll say about this topic.

The very worst part of me is YOU

Five past three in the morning, and I'm not able to sleep. I need to clear my mind about something.

I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of not making proper attempt of changing my situation. But I need to. I've got to change, I've got to get rid of what puts me down for years. And this is you. You awful monster inside of me. I enjoyed having you with me when I was little. Getting off that leash of innocence once in a while. I loved to be a bad girl at times. At times. Those other times I was good, lovely. Never been disgrateful, never been disrespectful. But things got of hand and you were making your way to my surface, taking off my guard and letting you win. You know, back then, you were useful. You made me realize that I'm better off alone and that friends and family make you only weak and an easy target. You helped me getting through that hell I've been through, you were a protection shield for me, preventing me from pain, disappointment and even death by making me uncapable of being in any kind of relationship. It was good back then, I wouldn't be here now, without you taking me over.
That was yesterday. I've found friends that are reliable, I've found my place in this world and I can protect myself from now on. Because other than you, I am able to rely on people, to trust them and to love. I'm not fighting them off or seeing them as kind of disease. I know what they are, my family, and they're not making me any weak but stronger than ever.
And with this strength, I get rid of you. I don't need you anymore! The past years you only ruined things for me, turning me into something heartless, into someone who prefers to run from love and luck than drown in its energizing feeling. I don't need you to make me run away from the person I love the most ever again, only to kill myself with pain and desperation. I'll stay with the one I love, the only way I can stay sane. I won't betray her again only because you're addicted to adventures and risks. I'm not like that, I'm not dangerous. And you're not going to make me believe this wrong image of myself ever again! I know who I am and I can only keep on living without you in me. 'Cause you're my death.
I'm done with you and your behavior. I beat you once, and I'll win this time, too!

After all, life's only about cookies & milk

Yeah, long time no see... Haven't had the urge to express my feelings and thoughts by blogging until yesterday. Just like Dumbledore says in Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire, sometimes your head gets too heavy and filled up with thoughts that you have to share 'em or save 'em elsewhere. So, it's one of those times now.

I planned on changing the layout but I'm too lazy these days. My schedule doesn't allow me any breaks but how would a schedule work without breaks anyways? Who am I to not allow me some rests? There I am, sitting in my chair in my room all night, thinking, thinking, thinking. Wondering what's wrong with me. Unfortunately, I didn't come to a conclusion yesterday. All I know is, that I've got the urge to kick my ass or rip off some hair or whatever else. Regrets, like I wanna turn back time so badly to relive my teenage years.

I know, I'm only turning 19 in about 3 months but hell, that's my last year as a teenager! I've wasted the best part in my life! The time of life to which people tend to think back when they're older, telling their kids and their kids' kids about the cool or dangerous things they've done. But what will I say? Oh well, I haven't had any friends until age 17. Wasted my life being bullied by my school mates, too shy and frightened to be myself. Damn, I wanna turn back time... I wanna relive my life with the people I call my friends nowadays. I know that it's impossible and it's silly to get desperate about it.

The actual thing is, what causes this feeling, that it suddenly dawned on me that I'm growing old. I know 19 isn't old. But look at it this way. I died with almost 17 and got reborn with 18. Like I only started living last year! There are so many things that I haven't done yet but other people around my age've already done them a few times. Feels like I'm wasting my time.

Sure, my friends and I spend a lot of time together and we've already done some stuff that I've always wanted to. Like that one time after the festival when we sat on the porch, looking out for falling stars. It's one of my most favorite memories, I love thinking back to it.

Or my 18th birthday. I drank so much and ate just a little, that I had to throw up before going to bed. But do my friends care? No. It doesn't matter. I think since then, since my birthday party, I feel like... a special connection to my best friend. She didn't drink as much as I did... or she drank more, I dunno, at least she was more wasted than me. But it kinda strengthened our friendship.

And the Billy Talent concert I attended with my other best friend last November. All these events just convinced me that this is for real and that this is forever.

Mum had her doubts. When I was about to leave school, we had a talk... well, actually, she yelled at me about how much of an idiot, a loser and a coward I was. She said, "Just wait until the next school term starts, and they'll turn their backs on you like everybody else before them." I think she was even referring to my girlfriend. She said something like, "She'll leave you when she finds out how useless you are, just like your father." But look! My friends are still with me and they'll always be. Though, my girlfriend and I are going through a rough time, may affecting our relationship but not our love. And it'll be good, all good in the end.

Still, there's this thought on my mind, almost like a voice. It whispers, "You're getting old. Look at you; you could've become a rebel like you've always dreamed about as a kid." But today I'm nothing more than myself, and nothing less than that.

PS: New fanfiction up on my LJ, check it out.

Life's coming too fast

Recently, I joined the club of book-reading people but other than them, I don't read certain vampire books or books on which are TV shows based on. And the book I'm reading, currently, is the one that animated me to write this blog post.

Years ago, when I was an isolated 8th-grader, I would go to the school's library once a week and look for either English books or books about domestic abuse. I read old English books back then, classic books like Bram Stoker's Dracula or Agatha Christie. English has always been my favorite language and perhaps, that's why I prefer to read English books. Maybe it's also the reason why I was one of the best in my whole grade in English. Later, I bought some English books for reading at home. I've never really gotten around to read them; either I got bored of them right in the beginning or I had no interest in reading.

One of these books is the one I'm currently reading. It's called Catch me when I fall by Nicci French (A/N: Two authors who combined their names). I started reading it recently and since I only read every once in a while, I'm still not done with it. But I just reached a point in the book where it gets really, really interesting. I love this book. It's so realistic and the emotions and things that happen aren't far-fetched as in many books I've read so far. But before I start telling how much I like it, here's a little description on the story:

A successful, self-confident woman named Holly Krauss lives her life fast and dangerous. She runs her own little company with her best friend, is married to an illustrator and is like a magnet to danger and trouble.

In the beginning of the book, she's in a bar with her best friend and another friend. There she gets to know some other people with whom she spends the evening, drinking, clubbing, drinking and ending up in bed with one of them. That's basically where the problems start: She tries to forget about the cheating on her husband as much as possible. But things get messed up and the guy from that night stalks her. Also, in her company, she runs into big trouble: One of your employees does a lousy job and Holly decides to fire her what ends in a disaster; the fired employee threatens her. Things get out of hand, the stalker, the ex-employee and her husband who is obviously frustrated because of his job.

Holly tries her best to keep on track, to help her husband and try to lead her company (and herself) out of the misery. But it fails and she ends up having insomnia, several times she feels so exhausted that she's unable to move. She's not herself anymore, can't make out the limits of herself or change her behavior. When life finally seems to calm down a bit, she runs into the next big trouble and causes more damage on her life and the people around her than before.

That's how far I am. Actually, it's better to read the book. There are so many little details to which I can relate to, that you couldn't just post here. For example:

Her husband, Charlie, is an illustrator and works at home. When she met him, Holly thought being an illustrator meant that people want you and call you for a job. She thought it would be easy to work in that field but when she got to know him better, he and his job, she found out that it wasn't as glamorous and awesome as she'd thought before. It's about running around, handing your portfolio to people, work your ass of to have a chance for a job. You can lose everything as fast as you gained it because new, fresh illustrator finish university every year.

First, he convinces her that he'll get a job, so they could pay the mortgage. But later in the book, he reveals that being an illustrator isn't as enjoyable anymore. It's not what he loves to do anymore, it's just work. Drawing, creating things is nothing more than earning money. He lost his passion, his love for art. One other reason is that he wanted to publish a book with illustrations of him but the company denied it for being... crap. It ruined all his self-confidence and made his drawings worthless to him.

I know how that feels, I just so know it. It's not that I can't handle criticism but when the person whose opinion is the one that decides whether you made a good job or not, when this person doesn't like your work, it just takes all of your respect, self-esteem, love, passion, etc. from you. It kills a big part of you, and makes you stop walking, sit down and watch life pass by. You have this one thing, this one talent and you love doing it, when that is denied, what else can you do then?

Another thing that someone in the book says, is that if you really, really love something, it's sometimes better to keep it as a hobby instead of doing it for money. And I agree on that. I am stuck with art but if I'd do it for a living... who gives me the guarantee that I won't start to hate it? It doesn't have to be like this but what if it would? I don't want to risk it and so I'll keep it as my hobby. Maybe it will grow to something bigger someday but if then, it would be my destiny and not forced.

And I think that it doesn't matter what kind of job I'll get someday. As long as I like it and get paid well for it. Since I need to feed a family, and I want my family to enjoy life and not worry about money. ´

I always thought that I need the most perfect job to become happy. Therefore, I didn't want to do any job that's actually just a quite nice one. I wanted to do things people could look up to, I wanted people to say, "Wow, she really made it." But who says you gotta have a matching, perfect, amazing job to be happy? In the past few days, I changed my mind about it. I don't the most perfect job in the world, I don't need to work my ass of to get people attention. Maybe I would end up with a lot of money but money's not what makes me happy.

In my (new) opinion, it doesn't matter what impression your job has on others. It doesn't matter what people think about your achievements, as long as you have something that makes you happy. Something constant in your life. And I came to the conclusion that there's nothing in the world I want more than a family. My very own family. I would accept any job just to feed my family and satisfy their desires. It would be all that could make me happy. A family would make the past years worth fighting, it would be my paradise.

Since my fiancée and I already talk about it, I started to make plans for the next year. I don't want things to happen to fast; I'd rather wait for things to be perfect than hurry up for a mess. The bare thought of what's about to come makes me so happy, it increases my optimism and self-confidence so much. After things have ended in a disaster, this was truly unexpected but it makes it all up.

Life's coming too fast, kind of. Faster than I've expected but if the result would match my wishes, I'm totally fine with it!

Currently listening to: Paramore - That's what you get

Got so far

This post's going to be very long and personal. I got inspired to write it last night when I was lying in bed and remembered my first steps as LP fan. Perhaps this will change your mind about me, you'll think that I'm crazy and obsessed. The following will explain many things, hopefully; maybe it will clear up some things and justify some of my actions.

If not... hell, I don't care. Read it, ignore it, comment, call me names (that's not an invitation for you, Kathrin!).

Recently, a friend and I talked about a girl from twitter and my conversation with her. This girl agreed with me that fans who are only with the band for their looks, aren't real fans and aren't really a part of our community. Usually, when you have a conversation on this topic, you get curious about the fan being of the other. In this case, I asked her when she started calling herself a fan of LP. Her answer made me cry - for laughter. I think so did my friend when I told her about it. Actually, I expected that girl to say "for about one year" which would be okay. I know many fans who started listening to LP like a year ago. But this girl still has to reach that mark.

Our fan community is very friendly, actually. We're very supportive and we're pretty much like a very big family. I think many fellows agree with me on that ;). But when it comes to newbies, most of us (particularly the older fans, old as in being a fan) become a bit rude. Let's call it defensive. I think we're sometimes just too proud. We're very careful; like with new neighbors: you try to find out more about them, weight it out and maybe build a fence to protect your territory. We can be really mean to newbies. And that's why we laughed about her. She's a fan for about half a year now, and doesn't know anything. My friend's a fan for about 4 years now, I think, and I am for 6 and a half years. As I put it: "We're one with the band after such a long time."

I remember how it was with me, about 6 years ago. I was twelve and just joined a German message board. My first step into a fan community and I wasn't aware about its hierarchy. Back then, I was naive, to some grade I was like the cliché fangirlie; I had a big crush on Mike. The difference between my twelve-year-old ego and a normal teenie booper: When I became a fan, it really was because of their music. Shinoda was one of the last persons of the band who I really noticed. So, I was new, I was naive, I was unexperienced. The perfect victim. They played jokes on me, they laughed at me for my opinion. I still can remember someone's words (actually, one of the few people who were nice to me): "We can have the "die-hard fan" conversation again, when you're 4 years older." Right then, I felt rejected and I was disappointed. Sad and hurt because I thought that I'd finally found friends. Simultaneously, I couldn't believe in those words. I didn't get how they could reject me, when the guys themselves love all their fans - no matter how young they are.

After being a fan for one year, I decided to put all my energy, all my passion and love on this new family of mine. I wanted to become a member of it, one that people wouldn't reject, one they would accept and respect. LP was all I had back then, all my friends left me during that time, my mum wouldn't talk to me neither be supportive. And I wanted to become someone I could be proud of someday and back then, that was the only way to achieve this goal.

I had a plan; to become a Street Soldier someday, join LPU, meet the band and see them live in concert. I worked for it as hard as possible, there was nothing about the band I wouldn't know, I wouldn't see. At age 14, I think, I could've written a book about them with all details. The LP community (yup, LPC as we called it back then) was my home. It was where I was someone. Where people paid attention to me, loved me for just being me. And sharing something important with them.

In 2007, things changed. The goals on my list were not only simple goals; it was my way to force me to stay alive. It was like, "Don't leave before you visited your first LP concert". Maybe because I knew that it would change my mind and even give me new energy. So, two years ago, I achieved almost all goals on my list, one year later, the rest followed. Already after my first concert, things changed. It wasn't important anymore to be up-to-date. It wasn't important to know everything... I kinda let it float. And after my first M&G, I was close to quitting. There was nothing for me anymore to work for; I achieved everything I wanted.

About one year later, today, I'm proud of the kind of fan I've become. I'm exactly the fan I wanted to become and I'm really proud of it. I've experienced so much and I still love LP. They almost like friends but more important: they've become a part of me. A part that changes with me and that I'm proud of.

I'm pretty sure that it didn't make any sense. :[

Currently listening to Linkin Park - In the end

Love makes the world go 'round

Got nothing else to do. Finally, after two or three weeks, I'm done with everything or at least can't do anything until I've got a certain email, and I'm not enjoying it. I would if I had any energy left. Maybe it's just that I'm fucking bored. No one's there, really no one and I don't know what to do. My plans were to finally continue some stories but I don't have any ideas. My head is so empty...

I know the title for this blog post is very kitschy; it's a song by Ashlee Simpson. I used to love that song, was one of my favorite some years ago. Why I chose it? Because I want to express some feelings.

Last night, I had trouble to keep my tears at bay. My thoughts were with these beautiful photos of Anna and Mike, and every time I take a look at them, I realize that it's what I really want. To be so happy, so in love. Worry-free, I don't want to have worry about money or my reputation. I want to get married someday, have some kids and a house that is just big enough for the family. Maybe a room for my art and a special room for my wife, or a room for our LP love. Bright walls, plants, paintings... everything that represents us. And the longer I think about it, the harder it is for me not to burst out in tears.

I wish I could go to my fiancée and promise her that all of her and our wishes will come true, that I'm able to make our dreams reality. But I can't, I just can't. I don't know how our future will be like and it makes me sad not to know it. Sure, we'll be happy to have each other but what about the rest? I know, I fucking know that we'll be happy and I know that we'll stay together and this fact gives me room to worry about all the details of our dream. And I know for sure that I will destroy it, I will ruin it so that there'll be no chance for our dreams to come true.

And every time I look at a photo of Anna and Mike, I realize that.

Currently listening to: Dead By Sunrise - End of the World

Rant #1248203

No, not exactly. But I think I do a lot of rants on here. Anyways, I figured that now is the right time to blog, after some certain person drove me mad. Oh, well, I think not only me.

And in case you're reading this, here's what I have to say:

All your excuses and apologies for your naive and stupid behavior only make it worse. With it, I mean the way we look at you, the way we think about you and the way we "like" you. I think some of us are so annoyed by you that they don't even like you but don't hate you either. It's just that when there's a tweet by someone who is obviously mad about something, you don't just say "doh... this is boring to me, I think this and that is better...". You just don't do it! You're only making it worse for that someone, they are mad anyways and you naive little girl even say that it's boring? Don't get me wrong - it's okay that you think it's boring BUT don't fucking address it to him, okay? And not in the way you've done. It's about the right behavior, you get it? This is a horrible situation for those guys and you just call it "boring". If it doesn't excite you or agitate you then just keep your mouth shut, okay? If you didn't understand what that article was about then just ask before telling him that his problem is boring! No one would blame you if you'd come to us, asking if we could explain it to you again for your English isn't that good. Mine isn't either but I at least understood how bad this situation must be for those guys!

Next time, please think before tweeting, okay? You promised us you would do it and what happened? Right, it happened again!

Gosh... this isn't only about her age, this is about her character. I wasn't so naive when I was her age. Okay, what's different with me is my interest in politics and economy. But hell... this is really about behavior and I really don't get how someone could be so rude!

Alright, I'm sorry for this but I had to get it off my chest.

Currently listening to: Billy Talent - Nothing to lose

I'll never let this go but I can't find the words to tell you...

Actually, I wanted to blog about something else but I can't remember exactly what it was. :/ I really don't know, my memory is so bad nowadays. So, I want to blog about something else...

My plans for today were drawing, so to say: a me-time day. Originally, I planned to have it on Thursday, taking a bath and just have a little time for myself away from everybody. I really need that time-off, I'm so stressed out these days. Like my friend said yesterday, "you seem to be a little absent minded." And I am... it's so pretty obvious, huh? I haven't talked to her for a few days and she already knew that something's wrong with me. I love her for that, and for opening my eyes every time we talk. She always reminds me that it's my life and that I decide its pace, and if I'm feeling like I need a break then everyone has to back off and give me that room I need. And I think that she's so right with it!

But taking a break means that I'd have to take a time-off from my site and I don't think I could do that. I love it so much even if it kills me. It's something "constant" in my life and I want to keep it as long as possible. No matter what Mr. Bennington decides to do. I will put all my passion into it even... even when I think that we suck. Not that the work my fiancée does on the site is shit but... this whole site. It doesn't look that good, we don't have that many visitors, our content sucks, really sucks. Our news... we get it from other sites, so what's so special about us? Just yesterday I said to a friend, "I think we're the best of all Dead By Sunrise fansites." And today? Today I'm asking myself what's so special about us. We have what all other sites have, too. So, what's it that people like about us? We're actually not that good. We receive emails from other people sending us pictures and being happy that they can be part of Sunrise On Fire. But hell, they sent their pics to other sites as well, so why does it matter that they're part of us?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about the support we get from all of you but I'm wondering why because we're nothing special. People love our site but is it maybe because they love us? And not the site itself?

I don't feel like I'm worth all this, I don't do so much. And I'm not that good as people think I am. I know I'm good at some stuff, and I really do know that. Not just saying it because I want some attention or because I think bad about myself. It's just... I don't know. I don't feel like we're that good, we could do a lot better but I just don't know how. And I fear that I'm blaming it all on myself.

Currently listening to: Paramore - Let this go

When you're insecure...

While lying in bed last night, I thought about Last Samurai again and asked myself how this inner peace would look like for me. All of a sudden, I felt so unsatisfied, so depressed. I think I'm longing for this peace, for this calmness. And I really wish I had the time for myself to find peace but somehow I don't.

Only 6 days left until my short vacation and I'm supposed to look forward to it but... I am, I am looking forward to it but at the same time, there are still so many things to do and I won't be able to finish them before next week! And these white, unused canvas in room make me sad! I have so many ideas but I don't have the time for painting. And that's exactly what I need; some time to paint. Or at least drawing...

Well, at least I'm going to find some time to relax and calm down next week. I love you, Baby!

I promised to write a short M&G review, I know. I think I will do so later... Maybe only a review on my second M&G for the first being "too short". Yeah, I was so nervous that I almost ran away... if Chester wouldn't have stopped me.

Currently listening to: Billy Talent - Covered in Cowardice

I've been waiting for the sun

Phew... Headaches. Not that bad but it's enough, moving my head hurts. I didn't sleep that much last night, got to bed at 10 to 3. I had to stay downstairs to watch a movie (my TV is broken), I don't know why I was so eager about watching the movie because I don't like those kinds of movies but I'm really glad that I did. It was Last Samurai on Pro7 that I watched. I don't like Tom Cruise but he's a damn good actor. And the movie is amazing, not only the landscapes are great but the story itself. It's not really about fighting and the art of fighting, it's more about finding yourself and finding your peace. For sure, there are definitely too many kitschy action scenes but at least they don't fuck. I remember that I hated Tiger and Dragon (I can't remember if there were any sex scenes) when we watched it in school. I found it too cliché, and maybe I felt awkward because of this whole asian-tradition-ninja-fighting-stuff. It's not easy to like japanese movies when all people show you about Japan is Manga and Anime, and that's something you dislike. So, perhaps that was why I didn't like to watch Tiger and Dragon. Maybe I would like it now. I do love Last Samurai. Not really the fighting scenes but the quiet moments he spent in that little japanese village. When he got there, he was a desperate alcoholic, having nightmares about all the wars he had fought in life and having these regrets for killing innocent people. By the time he left the village (only to come back to it later), he was sober, he had found his inner peace in that little mountain village, he knew what sense his life had and where he wanted to be. And there was this one scene when the boy asked him why he would fight against the white people for he was one himself, and Nathan said, "Because they want to kill what I started to love." That's how I understood it, how I construed it: He lost his love for his own country, his pride in being an american soldier, Captain to be precise, for all of the wars he fought, for all the women and children he murdered, and realized that this little village that was supposed to be his enemy, was his inner peace. Those people showed him what life and love was about, they were kind and helpful to him even though he had killed their husbands, fathers and sons.
The movie wasn't too kitschy, it was amazing. I would watch it again.

Oh, this post is going to be very long. I have another thing.
After 5 years of on-and-off obsession with Brad, I think I finally found out what I like about him. First of all, his guitar playing. Second of all, his sense of humor. But that's not really something special, I think we all have many people we like for those two things. I think for me, it's his smile. His mysterious smile, that he shows so often in interviews. It gives you room to think about his words, it makes you question yourself what he would mean with it. The same goes for his humor I think, he has his very own sense of humor which many people find arrogant.
The thing with me is, whenever he puts on this mysterious smile, my brain starts to work harder; I start to ask myself questions about his smile and what he could mean with it. There are so many questions in my head, I want to know so much, i.e. how he deals with certain questions in interviews, how he thinks about his answers, how he chooses his words, etc. He's the type of guy who sits there in interviews, staring either at his bandmates or the interviewer but no matter what, he gives you the impression of being in a totally different world with his mind. As if he wasn't part of the scene but all of a sudden, he gives like the perfect answer that causes you to ask yourself: "What the hell? This guy wasn't even listening to the question!" And that's his mystery. That lets my brain work harder and faster, overloads it with questions and wondering but what agitates me the most: I won't ever get an answer to any of those questions. It'll remain a mystery.
Same goes for my girlfriend; sometimes I'm wondering about her process of thinking as well since in some situations, her answers are so full of different meanings. Definitely, her words are well-chosen, and I don't mean all of the said as an insult. It's just... I'm someone who needs to have it clear. I need to know it precisely and I need to know much as well, for all of these damn questions in my head. It's like I need to study my fellow men from head to toe before I start feeling comfortable around them. But most of the time, you can't find an answer to your questions, so they remain unanswered, you remain unsatisfied. It's agitating, at times it drives me mad not to find the answers but that's what keeps it a mystery. And I think I'm attracted to mysterious people, living with them is a challenge for me and I love to challenge myself, particularly when it comes to that stuff. That I don't get an real, clear and satisfying answer to each question I ask my girlfriend, I think that's what fascinates me about her. She has this mysteriousness as well, and it's one thing I love about her.
And I think that's what makes me like Brad that much, too.

That's it for today. Things to do today: Posting the bio's, finishing the message board, and maybe continuing some writings.

Currently listening to: Paramore - We are broken

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

New Layout and other random news

There I am, back with a new layout. Dark, gray and kinda depressing. Let's say it's my reflection of fall. Fall brings most of the people into a colorless state, so I think the lack of color fits here pretty well.

I assume that everyone noticed how busy I've been for the past few days. Sunrise On Fire kills me someday. Either that or I should loosen my grip on it for a bit. On the other hand, I love it so much. I wasn't able to work on anything a few weeks ago for my computer broke down twice. Repairing twice in such a short time can be really exhausting, and this stupid thing is bitching again. So, I didn't get to work on Sunrise On Fire or my blog or anything else. The only thing I did was watching cartoons online. Which is not really a bad thing but... I didn't even noticed how much effect it had on my mood. I didn't until I started working on several wallpapers; I suddenly felt alive again. Complete. Those experiences show me that there's nothing else I should rather do for a living. If I had a job that wasn't from that field and I wouldn't have enough spare time for art, I'd pretty sure go insane.
And I think I'm getting better, more experienced and yeah, I start liking my own stuff. Which highly never happens, actually. But what hasn't changed in my life? I started to like bands I used to hate, I fell in love with Family Guy which I used to find boring and it's hard for me to get depressed. No matter what happens. I'm doing good. Oh, I'm listening to LP regularly again. I only have Paramore, Billy Talent, Hey Monday, LP and Dead By Sunrise on my hard drive, so my iTunes is shuffling through all these songs all day long.

But I think I'm wrapping this up right here. Have a nice and save day :)

I had the time... of my life

This is going to be a response to my best friend's livejournal entry (Not quite sure if I'm allowed to link to it). I planned on writing this a while ago, never gotten around to do it, so here it is. She reminded me of it. ;)

I want to thank my best friends for being there for me. This sounds cliche, easy to say or whatever but it has never felt so right before, so right to say it. For sure, I had real friends before you but they either lived on another continent or in another part of Germany or were never there when I needed them the most. All the people I liked to call my friends, they only pushed me around, they were never interested in my real self. They were disappointed in me for not putting my trust in them while they were talking behind my back about me. They let it happen, that I got forced into another skin, they let others kill me. Without doing anything, and even turning their backs on me when their torture turned me into wreck. I was so scared, so insecure about myself when I came to the new school. I remember that I had hopes to find friends. I've never been an unsocial person. I've always had friends but sadly never real ones. My best friend in kindergarten "abandoned" me for not being a boy, in Elementary School I had to like the stuff the girls liked in order to have friends. In High School I finally found friends but after that "incident" between 5th and 6th grade, I had changed to much, I was so quiet. I isolated myself from the others, and no one asked what was wrong.
So I hoped that with the new school, everything would get better for me. And it did. Redoing the school year was the right decision because I found my best friends. Friends who do care about me. Friends who allow me to be me. Friends who helped me to discover what I am like. Friends who have my backs, and I couldn't be happier with them. Even though, this year doesn't end the way I wanted it to, it's been a great year so far! I had the time of my life, a summer I will keep as a memory. We've done so many things that I've always wanted to do with my friends and I finally found people who seem to share it with me.
You guys taught me so much. I used to be a few steps ahead, always, only to be cool for others. Being always a few steps ahead can be very exhausting and that's what happened to me. So, therefore, I am glad that there's no need to be it for you. Even if I don't know about anything I actually should know; it's okay. When I say something wrong; it's okay. And when it feels okay to be wrong sometimes. You can't always be right and real friends don't make a big deal out of it. It's like a comfort seat, this friendship. You can rest some and still be part of it, still not losing track.

And all I wanted to say is that I love you for being there, for being close, for being my friends! I've never had real best friends who live in my area and I am so glad to have you guys! You mean so much to me!
I guess you know who you are... ;)

Surprise, surprise...

... it's a horrible part of my fanfic. Oh well, I'm not sure. Maybe I keep it that way. I dunno.

But I want to show it anyway.

It could've ended better. Not in a disaster. And yesterday happened a fault that he doesn't seem to get rid off. It happens over and over again and it always makes him feel worse than he already does. What happened yesterday left him paralyzed on the kitchen floor. He should've known, he should've fucking known what Brad expected from him but has he? Instead he kept cleaning the house, letting his boyfriend sit in their bedroom and wait for him to come upstairs.
That is why they fought yesterday during dinner; Chester thought Brad was mad at him, therefore didn't want him around so Chester spent the day with cleaning. But in reality, Brad wasn't upset, he actually even wanted to go out and do something special with Chester. The ladder stayed away from him as much as possible which disappointed Brad so much that he didn't feel like talking to him while dinner.

Sorry for any mistakes.

Personal note

Paramore - CrushCrushCrush

Alright... I know I will hate me for doing this but I have to get it off of my heart.

Mr. B., you shouldn't ever know about this and I've never wanted someone to know about my feelings. Mainly because I feared about what people could think of me; additionally, it's something deep inside of me. And with that, I mean deep buried inside of me. I'm not digging it out now, I'm only writing from my memory. Just so you know, it will remain there forever. I buried it, it's my past, it's what I've left behind. No longer a part of me. No longer affecting me. I've gotten over it. At least that's what I think. I wish I was convinced that I've gotten over it but... I'm not. Just because of you.

Every time I look into your face, something inside of me gets either numb or hurts. Every word you say, just hearing your voice; like haunting memories in my head. Your songs, they should help me but without the supporting melodies of others, they're torturing me. Every thing you do, it either hurts me, drives me mad or changes my state into any other negative one. To form my feelings and thoughts into words: I hate you. I hate you so much, more than I hate any other person. Usually, I don't let it get so far that I start hating people. Before that happens, I try to push them out of my life so that I don't pay any attention to them. Rather don't care about it all than lose energy by hating. But with you, it's impossible to not hate you because you're a fucking part of my life. You're everywhere I go because I'm holding you in my heart, you own that fucking place in my heart that you actually don't deserve.

I could start to call you so many names. I could say so many things about you. How I'm thinking of you, especially while writing this. But it doesn't change anything and wouldn't say much about my feelings for you.

I do have feelings for you; perhaps even positive feelings. Like respect. And I don't want something to happen to you. I couldn't live without you, just like you couldn't live a healthy life without one of your important inner-organs. You're there, just there, inside of me and I really don't want to cut you out of my body, I don't want to lose you. All I want is to change this; to change that you're always remembering me of what has happened.

How I wish it was different. Less complicated. Less childish. And in all honesty, I've got blinded by your new appearance that I really thought our relationship has changed. It hasn't. You proved me that it hasn't changed at all. There's still this hatred planted inside of me, still those images appearing in front of my eyes whenever I'm listening to your voice. Do you actually know what you're putting me through? How am I supposed to be okay again when you're always up to remember me of the bad times?

From the very first second, I felt something strong about you. Something that wasn't right, something my heart better didn't feel. When I got to know you... that's when everything started. I started hating you for reminding me of what I had pushed away so far that it's been possible for me to remember it ever again. You brought it back to me. You broke my heart into pieces. You left me alone, picking up all the pieces and putting them back together.

So many times, I've expected you to be there for me. But how were you supposed to help me when you weren't even able to help yourself? You've always disappointed me. Always. You've never been there for me, never. And I don't want it to change. I won't let you in, I won't.

I'm thankful for sharing your feelings. Your experiences, your good and bad times. And it wouldn't be that horrible if I wouldn't feel the same way about my life. I like to pretend that it's not like that; I like to pretend that I have no connection to you. Well, I guess I cut the strings, didn't I? I've run away from you, and you know what? It was the damn right decision.

What you gave to us a few days ago, I think it's nothing important. Neither breath-taking nor touchy. And why? Because it's how I felt years ago, how could it be special? I know it all and I know that you know that. I knew that you would write about it. It's what I've expected from you.

To end this, I want to say that I won't change anything about the way I'm feeling about you now. I respect you, I like what you do but I will keep on hating you for what you're doing to me. I know that you don't know about it and I know that you won't know about it. And I don't want you to.

But I learned to be strong and maybe someday, it won't affect me anymore. Someday, this all will be okay. I hope.

Until then, I'll keep on hating you.

Paramore - Ignorance

An announcement

Sounds serious, huh? Oh, well, as long as I get your full attention for this, I'm fine with it. :D

I only want to say that I know that I have tons of stuff to do, still. And if there's someone who wants me to do their next layout... that has to wait! Because...

...I want to take a few days off! Sounds funny because I'm actually not going to school or have a job but the things I have to to for you are taking their toll on me.
The actual reason is that I have to white canvas and I have two or three ideas. And I fucking miss painting. I've done so much digital stuff that I really need something I can... touch. And because I can't paint downstairs why my retarded PC lives, I will have to do it upstairs in my room. That means that I will check my emails and check twitter and update our fan site every day but I won't do any layouts or other works for like... one week. I need some "me-time".

I hope you all understand that, it's nothing to worry about. Well, you actually would have to worry if I won't get these ideas outta my head and on the canvas. XD


Current song: In Between by Linkin Park

Too many things...

I will add something to this post later, just too tired now.

Only wanted to let you know that I have a new story up on my LiveJournal.

Will be linked in the sidebar under "Stories" as well. I only posted it on there because it would've been TOO FUCKING long for a blog post on here.

THERE IS GOING TO BE A SECOND LETTER.


New photo on my dA profile, check it out here. More photos to come ;)


And I shouldn't be sad because I'm the one spending my whole fucking days, with updating sites, designing layouts, working mostly for other people's pleasure, and not being noticed nor mentioned, when I'm the one always telling people that I don't want a credit or a mention.
I shouldn't be sad because it's my fault. No matter if it was my idea and people don't even know that, no matter if the layouts and other works I do are claimed as someone else's work. Who cares? It's the way it is, it hurts but well...

My sins have made me blind

Seriously, there has to be something wrong with my brain. It can't be that whenever I think that someone behaves differently or something is different that it's actually not. That those people tell me that everything's the way it has ever been.
The current thing that I think is different is the way my fiancée behaves towards me, only at the beginning of our conversation. Maybe I always await her too eagerly that, when she's home and I can talk to her, I literally jump on her and pin her on the ground and slam my words into her face. Perhaps it's like that. It usually takes up to half an hour until she behaves the way I know her. Until that happens, her answers are sometimes not longer than 3 words, her reaction to hugs and kisses leave to be desired. And she doesn't answer to my tweets, which is not that much of a problem. I always try to calm myself down by saying "She's just exhausted from work, it has surely nothing to do with you." And perhaps that's right. But there's always some room for the masochistic, doubtful and scared side of yourself, that imagines what else could be the reason for that different behavior. That scares you with its theories about her behavior.
But luckily, my heart doesn't believe in those theories and it's strong enough to fight against the dark side and say, "Everything's okay." Because that's what it is; everything's alright, maybe the circumstances aren't the best and they'll kill us some day but until then, there's a lot of time to change them and until then, we do our best to make our relationship as enjoyable as possible. For sure, there are times when it's hard and the idea of breaking up comes into my (maybe hers, too) head but it gets destroyed immediately; living without her is no option for me, and breaking up only because of the distance is stupid, since it actually works perfectly.
We know that there'll be a time when everything will be the way we want it to be, and maybe spending the time until then together only makes our love stronger. To know that some day, we will have our own home, that we'll only need to buy everything once, that we'll be able to sleep in one bed every night; it all makes the wait and the good and bad times worth it, the fighting for this day to come makes it worth it. It's all that I want, a life with the woman I love, to see her happy, to have her around every day, to have a family with her until forever ends.


And now, I think some writing has to be done. ;) Started a new story a few nights ago, it's another songfiction but this time it's an old, very old actually, song by a german singer. I won't say which song.

But here's a preview (it's unbeta'd):

And outside, the streets were silent, a sleeping neighborhood. Darkness surrounding the houses, a cold breeze dancing with the wind. It could've been early in the morning rather than a late Sunday evening. A rustling in the trees that were lined up on each side of the street, their limbs and twigs moving along with the wind. It was so silent, you could've thought this neighborhood was lifeless. No lights guiding the way down the street, no signs showing the avenue's name. If you wanted to, you could've walked down the street, and walked, and walked until you would reach the end on which you would find a crossroad, one way leading outside the suburb. One leading to the town's heart, the other leading to the suburb's downtown; it would be up to you, whether to choose the way to nowhere or the way to the town's center.

Current song: Sin by Stone Temple Pilots

The world's falling apart

Blogger is having problems right now. I don't know what's wrong with it again.

I'm fighting with my heart, to stay calm and let something distract it. I don't want it to hurt so much, but it does.
And maybe it really is all my fault, maybe it's really me freaking out. Even if it feels like I'm all calm, maybe I'm not. Right now, I'm not, I'm not calm at all because it's hurting so much.

I tried my best to change myself. I used to chicken out; you could easily yell at me, telling me that it was all my fault and when you even added that it hurt you as well, i would immediately say that I'm sorry and that it's all my fault. My fiancée hated it when I behaved like that, so I tried to change it. And actually, I think I succeeded. I think I'm saying now what I don't like and what I think could be better. And I always try to say it as nice as possible.
But for some reason, people think I'm mad at them whenever I tell them how I'm feeling about their behavior. Much like today.
My Mum was making a salad when she found out that the melon was rotten. And because there were already some pieces of a pineapple, some apples and other fruits in the bowl, I suggested her to pick the melon pieces out, so we wouldn't have to throw the other fruits away. It was just a suggestion but from her facial expression and her slamming the drawers shut I could tell that she was mad. But I didn't mean to upset her, I only suggested it!
That's how it's going for a few weeks with my fiancée. Whenever I think I say something in a friendly tone, and whenever I'm really calm, the opposite gets through the internet to her. Is it just me or is it normal or what the hell is wrong? It makes me feel like all my effort, everything I changed on myself wasn't worth it. It feels like my world's falling apart; how can I change what's going on when my heart tells me that I'm doing the right thing? Apparently, I don't!
And I'm close to tears, it just hurts so much. I thought everything was okay again but I think I was wrong, like usual. I'm always wrong.

Fuck, yes, I AM a person who needs a lot of attention! Yes, I am demanding a lot more love and affection and what not than others do! I'm glad that I finally found people that would give all that to me, I've never had anything like that. Is it so hard for me to be happy? To be okay? Am I damned to screw my life up?!

Now I'm running for the light in the tunnel but it's just the train,
(But it's just the train)
Yeah I'm looking for the right type of pleasure but all I find is pain,
(Oh)
Now there's no light to guide me on my way home,
Now there's no time to shine my rusty halo...

3, 2,1...

...only a few "updates". I think I will post more of my fictions on my blog, and for those who want to read it later or again and are too lazy to look through my archive, I will put them in my sidebar ;)

So... another thing, it's not really new but I want to say it again because most of you didn't even know about it, ah, well... I am done with therapy! :D It wasn't really therapy, it was more a counseling than a therapy (but calling it therapy is way easier). And I'm finally done with it, after only 11 appointments! She said that I really seem to be okay again, that I seem so happy and content with my life that there's no need for me to come back! Just a few weeks ago, I was so afraid of that day when she'd say that I wouldn't have to come back because I thought that I wasn't ready. But last thursday, I really felt like I was ready to end the therapy. And in case I need her help again, I could call her and we would arrange another appointment. I'm just so happy about!


Then... I started another layout today, for our sweet Ryanne. If you didn't want people to know about it, then I'm really sorry but I wanted to show you what I've done. It's not done yet, I only want to hear your thoughts on it.
Because if you won't like it, I wouldn't have to continue. It's just a small preview picture, it's only the header image, not the entire layout.



And it's already 7.23pm and my eyes still didn't watch the video for "Crawl back in". I'm fine with it. I don't think that I really want to watch it...

The Darkest Of White

I hate to promote my own works but thanks to Faily, I want to post it on here. So this is going to be a very, very long post. The fiction surely has something autobiographical, so, understanding the fanfiction would mean understanding a part of me, a part of me I finally got rid off.

So, er... if you don't like angst!Mike or suicide!Mike or child-like!Mike, then you shouldn't read the following.
For those who do, feel free to comment. ♥♥♥




The Darkest Of White


Blank white walls, white wooden floor, which he's sitting on. Some paint here and there, green on his shirt, blue on his hands and arms and cheeks. Even some red and purple on the canvas in front of him, but still no idea of what to create with the colors. The given colors, green, blue, red and purple. He has wasted the red paint; still there's red on the canvas. Fingertips moving on it, tracing a purple line which in the end, forms a figure. And as he notices that all the purple lines are red now, the red from his index finger drops down, hitting the canvas right under the figure's left eye.

“Oops,” escapes his mouth, he analyzes the new red point, not a second later holds the canvas up vertical, so the red color runs down the cheek of the figure until he puts it back on the floor.

“It cries.” His only words, accompanied by a wide smile.

He looks at the painting a few minutes longer before tossing it over the floor to the other, mostly red, paintings. Everybody would get sick of all the red paint after a while but he still prefers to draw and paint with it. Even if it's long empty, the bottle of red paint.

Sighing, he lays down on his back, trying for a few minutes to position himself in the most comfortable way, fails, gives up. Sits back up again, looks around, then closes eyes. Feeling the way he's feeling for weeks; lost and abandoned. His thoughts are stuck in his head, their own little prison, with no window, with no hope for a rescue.

The white surrounding him makes him feel dirty, makes him feel used. However a fresh new canvas is even brighter as the white in which the walls and the ceiling is painted, neither does the wooden floor look as shiny. Depressing, he thinks. Frustrating, it is.

Only he does not want to leave the white room. Still he feels caught. Caught in his illusion of being safe in a simple room, with no windows and just a broken door. That's when he tells himself that his creative mind protects him from falling apart, from losing grip. But the holes in the door, the cracks in the wood he uses to sleep on every night, it all distracts him from soothing himself.

He doesn't know if there is someone out there who thinks of him. They promised to look after him. Maybe they're still in time, maybe they're too late. What time is it? What day? Is it still February?

An other canvas gets assaulted, touched by red and blue fingertips. His fingers stroke the white under them, painting another face. Again without a mouth to speak. Because he doesn't like speaking, he doesn't like to talk. What's the point in talking? You only say things that either you shouldn't have said or aren't heard. So why wasting words? Why wasting thoughts when you rather keep them for yourself and repeat them over and over again in your head.
Which feels so heavy from all the thoughts. From all the memories that he turns into hungry, never satisfied monsters on the paper. Somehow, it's sad, he thinks sometimes. The memories of better times come to him at night, with their claws reaching out for him to pin him on the ground and rip out his heart.

He shifts some, looking down at the painting, grimaces and kicks it to the other screwed up paintings. All he needs is a change. A change in this room, for the beginning. The rest would follow someday, he's convinced. With a look at his hands, he gets up, walks over to the pencils and brushes. Between those, there's a broken glass cup, he uses to put the water in.

For now, he doesn't care if they're still in time to look after him. He's fine on his own, he needs no one. Releasing some of the pressure that's on him, is all he needs. For now.

After breaking the glass cup another time, taking the broken piece of glass and cutting his hand along his life line, he tips a finger into the blood on his hand and starts to paint on the white walls. This is supposed to be his best work ever, it's made with all his passion, with all his love and pain, it's painted with blood.

And as he's lying there on the ground, exhausted from the painting, they're on their way to him. Keeping their promise to look after him and, they're not too late to break the promise. On time to find him lying in his own blood.

They all knew, that day would come, but no one wanted to realize it. Still, there are shocked voices echoing his name in the almost empty room.

Mike, Mike, Mike...

And on the wall, his last words, “I couldn't wait.”