I'll be waiting

This is going to be my last post here, I'm going to move my blog to Wordpress (thanks to a certain someone - you know who you are!). So probably the last post. About a rather sensitive subject but it's better this way than asking a whole lot of questions to someone who's unable to give you answers. Here it comes...

I'm doing quite good, I have to say. Except of the mornings. The second I wake up, reality greets me with a painful slap and each time I wish it would kill me. Same goes for the moments before falling asleep; it's hard to push those thoughts and feelings away. Well, a few minutes ago, I woke up and actually felt good but since the world's against my fortune, my good mood got ruined. I feel like I'm not worth to be even a friend to her. And honestly, I don't believe her words. I just can't. The way she treats me... even with only a bit of truth in her words, her treatment wouldn't be as cruel! It makes me sad and angry. And perhaps this anger is the cause for this second state I'm in.
Myself is split up into three different parts or selfs. The first is the one to accept the situation and this way trying to overcome it. The second is pure... well, maybe not anger. It's just that I don't care. Superficially, I don't. About her, about her feelings, about my pain, about this whole misery. This part of me is trying to move on and let her be, maybe even trying to find someone new. And make her find someone new who can make up all my mistakes. Who makes the efforts of her tattoo worth it. So we can say our farewell to each other and live without the other in our lives. And I can move on and get out of this hell.
It's just superficial that I don't care and wish I was able to leave her behind. Deep down there's a fire eating me up from inside, I'm in huge pain, actually. But I'm not going to show it... cause this third part of me agrees with the other two, mostly, that I'll have to find someone new for me. Although no one can make me as happy as she has and she does. I'll have to live with someone that can only make me half-happy but you can't have anything, right?
I really wish I could say, "Damn, then I'll never ever fall in love again." But I can't because I need to love someone and I need to be loved. And the certain love I need is the one I can't get. Yet.
So, I guess, whatever it takes, I'll be waiting. Until her feelings are back, no matter how long it's going to take. I know she doesn't want me to, and that I shouldn't waste my time on it and that I shouldn't give my heart away. But she also says that I'm old and smart enough to decide on my own and I'm fully aware of all the consequences this will bring but I just don't care. I want her, and I want to be with her and I've decided to wait for her and if I'll have to die before I know - I don't care. I love her more than anything else before and I'm not going to give up. I don't have to if I don't want to and I don't want. She's all I've ever wanted and all I'll ever want.
I don't want to lose her and losing her includes losing her to someone else, however it's partly what I want for her. Well, I don't want to lose her to somebody else in particular, I rather want... to see her happy. No matter what it takes.

So, the conclusion of this: I'll be waiting forever if it'll take this long. I think that I'm still here, standing straight and not strong to face the tragedy, I think it shows that I'm able to wait for her. And I will be.

And this is the last thing I'll say about this topic.