Personal note

Paramore - CrushCrushCrush

Alright... I know I will hate me for doing this but I have to get it off of my heart.

Mr. B., you shouldn't ever know about this and I've never wanted someone to know about my feelings. Mainly because I feared about what people could think of me; additionally, it's something deep inside of me. And with that, I mean deep buried inside of me. I'm not digging it out now, I'm only writing from my memory. Just so you know, it will remain there forever. I buried it, it's my past, it's what I've left behind. No longer a part of me. No longer affecting me. I've gotten over it. At least that's what I think. I wish I was convinced that I've gotten over it but... I'm not. Just because of you.

Every time I look into your face, something inside of me gets either numb or hurts. Every word you say, just hearing your voice; like haunting memories in my head. Your songs, they should help me but without the supporting melodies of others, they're torturing me. Every thing you do, it either hurts me, drives me mad or changes my state into any other negative one. To form my feelings and thoughts into words: I hate you. I hate you so much, more than I hate any other person. Usually, I don't let it get so far that I start hating people. Before that happens, I try to push them out of my life so that I don't pay any attention to them. Rather don't care about it all than lose energy by hating. But with you, it's impossible to not hate you because you're a fucking part of my life. You're everywhere I go because I'm holding you in my heart, you own that fucking place in my heart that you actually don't deserve.

I could start to call you so many names. I could say so many things about you. How I'm thinking of you, especially while writing this. But it doesn't change anything and wouldn't say much about my feelings for you.

I do have feelings for you; perhaps even positive feelings. Like respect. And I don't want something to happen to you. I couldn't live without you, just like you couldn't live a healthy life without one of your important inner-organs. You're there, just there, inside of me and I really don't want to cut you out of my body, I don't want to lose you. All I want is to change this; to change that you're always remembering me of what has happened.

How I wish it was different. Less complicated. Less childish. And in all honesty, I've got blinded by your new appearance that I really thought our relationship has changed. It hasn't. You proved me that it hasn't changed at all. There's still this hatred planted inside of me, still those images appearing in front of my eyes whenever I'm listening to your voice. Do you actually know what you're putting me through? How am I supposed to be okay again when you're always up to remember me of the bad times?

From the very first second, I felt something strong about you. Something that wasn't right, something my heart better didn't feel. When I got to know you... that's when everything started. I started hating you for reminding me of what I had pushed away so far that it's been possible for me to remember it ever again. You brought it back to me. You broke my heart into pieces. You left me alone, picking up all the pieces and putting them back together.

So many times, I've expected you to be there for me. But how were you supposed to help me when you weren't even able to help yourself? You've always disappointed me. Always. You've never been there for me, never. And I don't want it to change. I won't let you in, I won't.

I'm thankful for sharing your feelings. Your experiences, your good and bad times. And it wouldn't be that horrible if I wouldn't feel the same way about my life. I like to pretend that it's not like that; I like to pretend that I have no connection to you. Well, I guess I cut the strings, didn't I? I've run away from you, and you know what? It was the damn right decision.

What you gave to us a few days ago, I think it's nothing important. Neither breath-taking nor touchy. And why? Because it's how I felt years ago, how could it be special? I know it all and I know that you know that. I knew that you would write about it. It's what I've expected from you.

To end this, I want to say that I won't change anything about the way I'm feeling about you now. I respect you, I like what you do but I will keep on hating you for what you're doing to me. I know that you don't know about it and I know that you won't know about it. And I don't want you to.

But I learned to be strong and maybe someday, it won't affect me anymore. Someday, this all will be okay. I hope.

Until then, I'll keep on hating you.

Paramore - Ignorance