An announcement

Sounds serious, huh? Oh, well, as long as I get your full attention for this, I'm fine with it. :D

I only want to say that I know that I have tons of stuff to do, still. And if there's someone who wants me to do their next layout... that has to wait! Because...

...I want to take a few days off! Sounds funny because I'm actually not going to school or have a job but the things I have to to for you are taking their toll on me.
The actual reason is that I have to white canvas and I have two or three ideas. And I fucking miss painting. I've done so much digital stuff that I really need something I can... touch. And because I can't paint downstairs why my retarded PC lives, I will have to do it upstairs in my room. That means that I will check my emails and check twitter and update our fan site every day but I won't do any layouts or other works for like... one week. I need some "me-time".

I hope you all understand that, it's nothing to worry about. Well, you actually would have to worry if I won't get these ideas outta my head and on the canvas. XD


Current song: In Between by Linkin Park

Too many things...

I will add something to this post later, just too tired now.

Only wanted to let you know that I have a new story up on my LiveJournal.

Will be linked in the sidebar under "Stories" as well. I only posted it on there because it would've been TOO FUCKING long for a blog post on here.

THERE IS GOING TO BE A SECOND LETTER.


New photo on my dA profile, check it out here. More photos to come ;)


And I shouldn't be sad because I'm the one spending my whole fucking days, with updating sites, designing layouts, working mostly for other people's pleasure, and not being noticed nor mentioned, when I'm the one always telling people that I don't want a credit or a mention.
I shouldn't be sad because it's my fault. No matter if it was my idea and people don't even know that, no matter if the layouts and other works I do are claimed as someone else's work. Who cares? It's the way it is, it hurts but well...

My sins have made me blind

Seriously, there has to be something wrong with my brain. It can't be that whenever I think that someone behaves differently or something is different that it's actually not. That those people tell me that everything's the way it has ever been.
The current thing that I think is different is the way my fiancée behaves towards me, only at the beginning of our conversation. Maybe I always await her too eagerly that, when she's home and I can talk to her, I literally jump on her and pin her on the ground and slam my words into her face. Perhaps it's like that. It usually takes up to half an hour until she behaves the way I know her. Until that happens, her answers are sometimes not longer than 3 words, her reaction to hugs and kisses leave to be desired. And she doesn't answer to my tweets, which is not that much of a problem. I always try to calm myself down by saying "She's just exhausted from work, it has surely nothing to do with you." And perhaps that's right. But there's always some room for the masochistic, doubtful and scared side of yourself, that imagines what else could be the reason for that different behavior. That scares you with its theories about her behavior.
But luckily, my heart doesn't believe in those theories and it's strong enough to fight against the dark side and say, "Everything's okay." Because that's what it is; everything's alright, maybe the circumstances aren't the best and they'll kill us some day but until then, there's a lot of time to change them and until then, we do our best to make our relationship as enjoyable as possible. For sure, there are times when it's hard and the idea of breaking up comes into my (maybe hers, too) head but it gets destroyed immediately; living without her is no option for me, and breaking up only because of the distance is stupid, since it actually works perfectly.
We know that there'll be a time when everything will be the way we want it to be, and maybe spending the time until then together only makes our love stronger. To know that some day, we will have our own home, that we'll only need to buy everything once, that we'll be able to sleep in one bed every night; it all makes the wait and the good and bad times worth it, the fighting for this day to come makes it worth it. It's all that I want, a life with the woman I love, to see her happy, to have her around every day, to have a family with her until forever ends.


And now, I think some writing has to be done. ;) Started a new story a few nights ago, it's another songfiction but this time it's an old, very old actually, song by a german singer. I won't say which song.

But here's a preview (it's unbeta'd):

And outside, the streets were silent, a sleeping neighborhood. Darkness surrounding the houses, a cold breeze dancing with the wind. It could've been early in the morning rather than a late Sunday evening. A rustling in the trees that were lined up on each side of the street, their limbs and twigs moving along with the wind. It was so silent, you could've thought this neighborhood was lifeless. No lights guiding the way down the street, no signs showing the avenue's name. If you wanted to, you could've walked down the street, and walked, and walked until you would reach the end on which you would find a crossroad, one way leading outside the suburb. One leading to the town's heart, the other leading to the suburb's downtown; it would be up to you, whether to choose the way to nowhere or the way to the town's center.

Current song: Sin by Stone Temple Pilots

The world's falling apart

Blogger is having problems right now. I don't know what's wrong with it again.

I'm fighting with my heart, to stay calm and let something distract it. I don't want it to hurt so much, but it does.
And maybe it really is all my fault, maybe it's really me freaking out. Even if it feels like I'm all calm, maybe I'm not. Right now, I'm not, I'm not calm at all because it's hurting so much.

I tried my best to change myself. I used to chicken out; you could easily yell at me, telling me that it was all my fault and when you even added that it hurt you as well, i would immediately say that I'm sorry and that it's all my fault. My fiancée hated it when I behaved like that, so I tried to change it. And actually, I think I succeeded. I think I'm saying now what I don't like and what I think could be better. And I always try to say it as nice as possible.
But for some reason, people think I'm mad at them whenever I tell them how I'm feeling about their behavior. Much like today.
My Mum was making a salad when she found out that the melon was rotten. And because there were already some pieces of a pineapple, some apples and other fruits in the bowl, I suggested her to pick the melon pieces out, so we wouldn't have to throw the other fruits away. It was just a suggestion but from her facial expression and her slamming the drawers shut I could tell that she was mad. But I didn't mean to upset her, I only suggested it!
That's how it's going for a few weeks with my fiancée. Whenever I think I say something in a friendly tone, and whenever I'm really calm, the opposite gets through the internet to her. Is it just me or is it normal or what the hell is wrong? It makes me feel like all my effort, everything I changed on myself wasn't worth it. It feels like my world's falling apart; how can I change what's going on when my heart tells me that I'm doing the right thing? Apparently, I don't!
And I'm close to tears, it just hurts so much. I thought everything was okay again but I think I was wrong, like usual. I'm always wrong.

Fuck, yes, I AM a person who needs a lot of attention! Yes, I am demanding a lot more love and affection and what not than others do! I'm glad that I finally found people that would give all that to me, I've never had anything like that. Is it so hard for me to be happy? To be okay? Am I damned to screw my life up?!

Now I'm running for the light in the tunnel but it's just the train,
(But it's just the train)
Yeah I'm looking for the right type of pleasure but all I find is pain,
(Oh)
Now there's no light to guide me on my way home,
Now there's no time to shine my rusty halo...

3, 2,1...

...only a few "updates". I think I will post more of my fictions on my blog, and for those who want to read it later or again and are too lazy to look through my archive, I will put them in my sidebar ;)

So... another thing, it's not really new but I want to say it again because most of you didn't even know about it, ah, well... I am done with therapy! :D It wasn't really therapy, it was more a counseling than a therapy (but calling it therapy is way easier). And I'm finally done with it, after only 11 appointments! She said that I really seem to be okay again, that I seem so happy and content with my life that there's no need for me to come back! Just a few weeks ago, I was so afraid of that day when she'd say that I wouldn't have to come back because I thought that I wasn't ready. But last thursday, I really felt like I was ready to end the therapy. And in case I need her help again, I could call her and we would arrange another appointment. I'm just so happy about!


Then... I started another layout today, for our sweet Ryanne. If you didn't want people to know about it, then I'm really sorry but I wanted to show you what I've done. It's not done yet, I only want to hear your thoughts on it.
Because if you won't like it, I wouldn't have to continue. It's just a small preview picture, it's only the header image, not the entire layout.



And it's already 7.23pm and my eyes still didn't watch the video for "Crawl back in". I'm fine with it. I don't think that I really want to watch it...

The Darkest Of White

I hate to promote my own works but thanks to Faily, I want to post it on here. So this is going to be a very, very long post. The fiction surely has something autobiographical, so, understanding the fanfiction would mean understanding a part of me, a part of me I finally got rid off.

So, er... if you don't like angst!Mike or suicide!Mike or child-like!Mike, then you shouldn't read the following.
For those who do, feel free to comment. ♥♥♥




The Darkest Of White


Blank white walls, white wooden floor, which he's sitting on. Some paint here and there, green on his shirt, blue on his hands and arms and cheeks. Even some red and purple on the canvas in front of him, but still no idea of what to create with the colors. The given colors, green, blue, red and purple. He has wasted the red paint; still there's red on the canvas. Fingertips moving on it, tracing a purple line which in the end, forms a figure. And as he notices that all the purple lines are red now, the red from his index finger drops down, hitting the canvas right under the figure's left eye.

“Oops,” escapes his mouth, he analyzes the new red point, not a second later holds the canvas up vertical, so the red color runs down the cheek of the figure until he puts it back on the floor.

“It cries.” His only words, accompanied by a wide smile.

He looks at the painting a few minutes longer before tossing it over the floor to the other, mostly red, paintings. Everybody would get sick of all the red paint after a while but he still prefers to draw and paint with it. Even if it's long empty, the bottle of red paint.

Sighing, he lays down on his back, trying for a few minutes to position himself in the most comfortable way, fails, gives up. Sits back up again, looks around, then closes eyes. Feeling the way he's feeling for weeks; lost and abandoned. His thoughts are stuck in his head, their own little prison, with no window, with no hope for a rescue.

The white surrounding him makes him feel dirty, makes him feel used. However a fresh new canvas is even brighter as the white in which the walls and the ceiling is painted, neither does the wooden floor look as shiny. Depressing, he thinks. Frustrating, it is.

Only he does not want to leave the white room. Still he feels caught. Caught in his illusion of being safe in a simple room, with no windows and just a broken door. That's when he tells himself that his creative mind protects him from falling apart, from losing grip. But the holes in the door, the cracks in the wood he uses to sleep on every night, it all distracts him from soothing himself.

He doesn't know if there is someone out there who thinks of him. They promised to look after him. Maybe they're still in time, maybe they're too late. What time is it? What day? Is it still February?

An other canvas gets assaulted, touched by red and blue fingertips. His fingers stroke the white under them, painting another face. Again without a mouth to speak. Because he doesn't like speaking, he doesn't like to talk. What's the point in talking? You only say things that either you shouldn't have said or aren't heard. So why wasting words? Why wasting thoughts when you rather keep them for yourself and repeat them over and over again in your head.
Which feels so heavy from all the thoughts. From all the memories that he turns into hungry, never satisfied monsters on the paper. Somehow, it's sad, he thinks sometimes. The memories of better times come to him at night, with their claws reaching out for him to pin him on the ground and rip out his heart.

He shifts some, looking down at the painting, grimaces and kicks it to the other screwed up paintings. All he needs is a change. A change in this room, for the beginning. The rest would follow someday, he's convinced. With a look at his hands, he gets up, walks over to the pencils and brushes. Between those, there's a broken glass cup, he uses to put the water in.

For now, he doesn't care if they're still in time to look after him. He's fine on his own, he needs no one. Releasing some of the pressure that's on him, is all he needs. For now.

After breaking the glass cup another time, taking the broken piece of glass and cutting his hand along his life line, he tips a finger into the blood on his hand and starts to paint on the white walls. This is supposed to be his best work ever, it's made with all his passion, with all his love and pain, it's painted with blood.

And as he's lying there on the ground, exhausted from the painting, they're on their way to him. Keeping their promise to look after him and, they're not too late to break the promise. On time to find him lying in his own blood.

They all knew, that day would come, but no one wanted to realize it. Still, there are shocked voices echoing his name in the almost empty room.

Mike, Mike, Mike...

And on the wall, his last words, “I couldn't wait.”

The Script

Just found them on Myspace, and found out that they even got some videos! I'm such a genius!
Well, my story: I heard "The man who can't be moved" several times on our local radio station but never really got around to look for them on the internet. Luckily, my music taste is similar to their music and my last.fm suggested them. And because I remembered their name, I added them to my last.fm radio. And fell in love with them! They're so so great!

This is their myspace and here's a nice video of their song "We Cry".

One of my favorite parts of the song (written down from mind, so I apologies for any mistakes):

There comes a time when every bird has to fly
At some point every rose has to die
[...]
I'm so sick of looking for the heros in the sky
That teach us how to fly
Together we cry

Another rant.

Recently, my fiancée and I had a conversation about some people and some others we follow on Twitter. Just to name names. This is the story:
She had to log into my Twitter to follow some of my followers for me for my PC is too stupid to make this possible for me. So, she was able to take a look on my list of people I'm following. She: "Oh, you're following Chester's ex-wife. How come?" I have to admit - I don't know. I really don't. The only famous people I'm following are Evan Taubenfeld, Sisky (The Academy Is...), Trent Reznor and Phi (the ladder only for fun reasons). She knows that I have my reasons why I won't follow Talinda or Chester or any others who seem to belong to us. [Ok, just noticed that I'm following Ryan and Amir as well... oops]. But well, that's how the conversation has started. We talked about Samantha first, why we're following her and what we're thinking about her.
That topic leads to the one I specifically want to point out now: Talinda. First of all, yes, I had my problems with her, too. That was when she was "new" and I still hated Chester, therefore I couldn't stand her either. But well, it has changed and today, I really really like her, she's such a sweet person! I will never ever forget what she said to my fiancée when she was down and needed an advise from someone outstanding, that has really changed my mind about her.
I'm not the only person thinking that way about her but unfortunately, there are others who really hate her. Which I really can't understand. She hasn't done anything wrong. She's a good mother, and in case nobody noticed but she aged so fast in the last few years, she's not only hanging around at home lazily. And even if she doesn't do anything other than household and taking care of their kids - is that nothing? Maybe it's even something Chester wants; that way she has a lot of time for him, that way he can get the attention he wants and perhaps even needs. What's so wrong about that? Rather having her taking care of their kids than a babysitter. Of course, there are other options so she could still work. But who says she doesn't work? Maybe she works at home, there are many jobs that allow you to work at home.
And if she was an It girl or an airhead or whatever, she wouldn't be with Chester still. I think that you can't be with someone like Chester when you're like that. He's definitely a very complicated person which isn't a bad thing at all. Assumed she only married him for the money - how could you stay with a man who's mentally sick? And not sick like i.e. Scott Weiland who seems to give a shit about recovery.
There are people who know no better than a crazy, chaotic world full of drugs, pain and darkness, full of lies, hopelessness and wrong people. Who hardly remember real love. And remembering Chester's words, he was in a real terrible state a few years ago. A misery that Samantha's "love" couldn't deal with anymore, his stopped dealing with anything long before that. So, I think, looking for something, for somewhere where you notice that it's better than home, is just natural. And leaving "home" for that place is maybe even healthy. They've worn out this love and maybe Talinda was the one who showed Chester how wonderful life could be without pain. Without looking into your lover's face and being confronted with your whole past. He needed that change. Talinda definitely knew what was wrong with him, she definitely knew what would come if she would fall in love with him. And I am convinced that I wouldn't want to be that close to someone like Chester when that someone is so depressed. Even if it was it for the fame. Even if it was for money. But it was for love and that's why they're still together, and that's why Chester's better. She reanimated a part inside of him that has been dead for so long, and that part is today's Chester.
To those who want the old Chester back: You're so naive, it's fucking stupid. You want the depressed, drug-addicted, alcoholic Chester back? Are you serious? You can't seriously wish for that. Why couldn't you just wish him the best? Why always the worst? He likes the way he is these days, that's so obvious. Just leave him to it.

Oh, well, kind of sounds like this guy begging people to leave Britney alone...

FRGT/10

I so fucking love this song!

We're stuck in a place so dark you can hardly see
The manner of matter that splits with the words I breathe
And as the rain drips acidic darkness around me
I block out the sight of the powers that be
And duck away into the darkness, times up
I wind up in a rusted world with eyes shut
So tight that it blurs into the world of pretend
And the eyes ease open and it's dark again

Listen to the sound, dizzy from the ups and downs
I'm nauseated by the polluted rot that's all around
Watchin' the wheels of cars that pass I look past
To the last of the light and the long shadows it cast
A window grows, captures the eye
And cries out a yellow light as it passes me by
And a young shadowy figure sits in front of a box
Inside a building of rock with antennaes on top
Now nothin' can stop in this land of the pain
The sane lose not knowin' they were part of the game
And as the insides change the box stays the same
And the figure inside could bear anybody's name
The memories I keep are from a time like then
I put on my paper so I can come back to them
Someday I'm hopin' to close my eyes and pretend
That this crumpled up paper can be perfect again

It's like a wall I can hide behind and start breathing again. I so love this song! Still reminding me of our travel home from Stuttgart. I was listening to it while sitting in the train and watching into the darkness. Oh, well. This song reminds me of the travel, it reminds of the moment I realized that I didn't enjoy the short stay in Stuttgart. I did enjoy it but not as much as I should have. That makes me sad, still. I don't know why. Maybe because it brought me back "home". From... late 2007 until July 2009 it got less and less with my "love" for my favorite band and I really didn't feel like I was still a fan. Well, I surely was but it didn't feel like it used to. But since Stuttgart, it's all back, it's feeling different now but it's there. I think I've grown up and this "love" has changed. Surely because I set priorities. And LP is one of the 4th or 5th on the priority chart so... they're not everything to me anymore. There are other people I love more than them. They're not the point anymore, they're rather surrounding me. Ouch, sounds bad.

So, I keep on listening to the song over and over again. While all of you are chatting with Mike, I'm having him rapping those beautiful words into my ears.

Rant on...

...girls who are in love with a famous guy. In general, I couldn't care less about them but now it's annoying me. And the reason why it does is actually simple, at least for me.

They're crying about these guys for reasons that I really know all to well: They want to hug them, they want to kiss them, they want them around. They don't want other girls getting what they wish for, so jealousy is one of their biggest problems. But it's fecking retarded to think that their problems are on the same level than those of people with real partners.

Listening to girls like them, it fucking pisses me off at times. Specially times like these. I'm missing my love so much, on some days it's hard to deal with this torturous feeling of longing and my heart's so weak that even the smallest things could remind me of what I'm missing, no matter how hard I try to push the thought away. I want her around, I want to hide in her arms; but I can't. Because she's not there. And I can't go to her. That's missing.

Having a crush on a star, on someone who is so far away that you barely see their light, that's really not like being in love with someone you know, you really know. Someone you know better than your own house. Someone you've already touched and kissed. Someone your heart is addicted to. How can you miss someone you've never seen in real? How can you miss touching them when you've never touched them before? What you've never had, you can't miss.

And then the other point; jealousy. They're jealous of the people who are closer to their crush than they are, they start to hate them. They maybe even feel so "hurt" that they can't talk about them [A/N: About the one they love] and what not. It's not a big deal; they can be as jealous as they want, their love can do whatever they want only because of one reason: famous people are always there. They're always on TV or on the internet. They won't go away because one girlie was too jealous of their newest girlfriend. But the reality isn't like that, not at all. In reality, your partner can leave you and that's why you learn to fight for them, and that's why you learn to discuss, to make compromises because you love the other one and you don't want to lose them. Because you know that they are able to leave you. Forever.

Stars won't leave you when they don't even know about you.

And that makes you wonder if these girlies are able to keep a relationship healthy. Or keep it even at all. Things are easy for them; they can imagine their "partners" to be the way they want, they can believe what they want and they don't have to fight for them because -as stated before- they don't have to fear that they might lose them.

Recently, I said to a friend: "Love's a serious business." And I think that's the truth, real love can't be treated carelessly. Or otherwise it will fade like a flower.

Maybe this all doesn't make any real sense but well, I don't care to be honest.

And my iTunes is playing me love songs... I hate you, iTunes.

New layout

Yes, it took me a while but well. Worked hard for my fiancée & my fan site, worked on the layout for my fiancée's blog, and etc.

I love white. And grey. And I'm missing emoticons here.

I actually wanted to write a very long entry but... can't concentrate. And I have to go to bed in a few minutes anyway, so...

*heavy sigh* Mood sinks. Dunno what I should do. As I said... can't focus on anything. I hate it what this happens. Well.

Ignorance is your new best friend.

I best be on my way out.