Love makes the world go 'round

Got nothing else to do. Finally, after two or three weeks, I'm done with everything or at least can't do anything until I've got a certain email, and I'm not enjoying it. I would if I had any energy left. Maybe it's just that I'm fucking bored. No one's there, really no one and I don't know what to do. My plans were to finally continue some stories but I don't have any ideas. My head is so empty...

I know the title for this blog post is very kitschy; it's a song by Ashlee Simpson. I used to love that song, was one of my favorite some years ago. Why I chose it? Because I want to express some feelings.

Last night, I had trouble to keep my tears at bay. My thoughts were with these beautiful photos of Anna and Mike, and every time I take a look at them, I realize that it's what I really want. To be so happy, so in love. Worry-free, I don't want to have worry about money or my reputation. I want to get married someday, have some kids and a house that is just big enough for the family. Maybe a room for my art and a special room for my wife, or a room for our LP love. Bright walls, plants, paintings... everything that represents us. And the longer I think about it, the harder it is for me not to burst out in tears.

I wish I could go to my fiancée and promise her that all of her and our wishes will come true, that I'm able to make our dreams reality. But I can't, I just can't. I don't know how our future will be like and it makes me sad not to know it. Sure, we'll be happy to have each other but what about the rest? I know, I fucking know that we'll be happy and I know that we'll stay together and this fact gives me room to worry about all the details of our dream. And I know for sure that I will destroy it, I will ruin it so that there'll be no chance for our dreams to come true.

And every time I look at a photo of Anna and Mike, I realize that.

Currently listening to: Dead By Sunrise - End of the World

Rant #1248203

No, not exactly. But I think I do a lot of rants on here. Anyways, I figured that now is the right time to blog, after some certain person drove me mad. Oh, well, I think not only me.

And in case you're reading this, here's what I have to say:

All your excuses and apologies for your naive and stupid behavior only make it worse. With it, I mean the way we look at you, the way we think about you and the way we "like" you. I think some of us are so annoyed by you that they don't even like you but don't hate you either. It's just that when there's a tweet by someone who is obviously mad about something, you don't just say "doh... this is boring to me, I think this and that is better...". You just don't do it! You're only making it worse for that someone, they are mad anyways and you naive little girl even say that it's boring? Don't get me wrong - it's okay that you think it's boring BUT don't fucking address it to him, okay? And not in the way you've done. It's about the right behavior, you get it? This is a horrible situation for those guys and you just call it "boring". If it doesn't excite you or agitate you then just keep your mouth shut, okay? If you didn't understand what that article was about then just ask before telling him that his problem is boring! No one would blame you if you'd come to us, asking if we could explain it to you again for your English isn't that good. Mine isn't either but I at least understood how bad this situation must be for those guys!

Next time, please think before tweeting, okay? You promised us you would do it and what happened? Right, it happened again!

Gosh... this isn't only about her age, this is about her character. I wasn't so naive when I was her age. Okay, what's different with me is my interest in politics and economy. But hell... this is really about behavior and I really don't get how someone could be so rude!

Alright, I'm sorry for this but I had to get it off my chest.

Currently listening to: Billy Talent - Nothing to lose

I'll never let this go but I can't find the words to tell you...

Actually, I wanted to blog about something else but I can't remember exactly what it was. :/ I really don't know, my memory is so bad nowadays. So, I want to blog about something else...

My plans for today were drawing, so to say: a me-time day. Originally, I planned to have it on Thursday, taking a bath and just have a little time for myself away from everybody. I really need that time-off, I'm so stressed out these days. Like my friend said yesterday, "you seem to be a little absent minded." And I am... it's so pretty obvious, huh? I haven't talked to her for a few days and she already knew that something's wrong with me. I love her for that, and for opening my eyes every time we talk. She always reminds me that it's my life and that I decide its pace, and if I'm feeling like I need a break then everyone has to back off and give me that room I need. And I think that she's so right with it!

But taking a break means that I'd have to take a time-off from my site and I don't think I could do that. I love it so much even if it kills me. It's something "constant" in my life and I want to keep it as long as possible. No matter what Mr. Bennington decides to do. I will put all my passion into it even... even when I think that we suck. Not that the work my fiancée does on the site is shit but... this whole site. It doesn't look that good, we don't have that many visitors, our content sucks, really sucks. Our news... we get it from other sites, so what's so special about us? Just yesterday I said to a friend, "I think we're the best of all Dead By Sunrise fansites." And today? Today I'm asking myself what's so special about us. We have what all other sites have, too. So, what's it that people like about us? We're actually not that good. We receive emails from other people sending us pictures and being happy that they can be part of Sunrise On Fire. But hell, they sent their pics to other sites as well, so why does it matter that they're part of us?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about the support we get from all of you but I'm wondering why because we're nothing special. People love our site but is it maybe because they love us? And not the site itself?

I don't feel like I'm worth all this, I don't do so much. And I'm not that good as people think I am. I know I'm good at some stuff, and I really do know that. Not just saying it because I want some attention or because I think bad about myself. It's just... I don't know. I don't feel like we're that good, we could do a lot better but I just don't know how. And I fear that I'm blaming it all on myself.

Currently listening to: Paramore - Let this go

When you're insecure...

While lying in bed last night, I thought about Last Samurai again and asked myself how this inner peace would look like for me. All of a sudden, I felt so unsatisfied, so depressed. I think I'm longing for this peace, for this calmness. And I really wish I had the time for myself to find peace but somehow I don't.

Only 6 days left until my short vacation and I'm supposed to look forward to it but... I am, I am looking forward to it but at the same time, there are still so many things to do and I won't be able to finish them before next week! And these white, unused canvas in room make me sad! I have so many ideas but I don't have the time for painting. And that's exactly what I need; some time to paint. Or at least drawing...

Well, at least I'm going to find some time to relax and calm down next week. I love you, Baby!

I promised to write a short M&G review, I know. I think I will do so later... Maybe only a review on my second M&G for the first being "too short". Yeah, I was so nervous that I almost ran away... if Chester wouldn't have stopped me.

Currently listening to: Billy Talent - Covered in Cowardice

I've been waiting for the sun

Phew... Headaches. Not that bad but it's enough, moving my head hurts. I didn't sleep that much last night, got to bed at 10 to 3. I had to stay downstairs to watch a movie (my TV is broken), I don't know why I was so eager about watching the movie because I don't like those kinds of movies but I'm really glad that I did. It was Last Samurai on Pro7 that I watched. I don't like Tom Cruise but he's a damn good actor. And the movie is amazing, not only the landscapes are great but the story itself. It's not really about fighting and the art of fighting, it's more about finding yourself and finding your peace. For sure, there are definitely too many kitschy action scenes but at least they don't fuck. I remember that I hated Tiger and Dragon (I can't remember if there were any sex scenes) when we watched it in school. I found it too cliché, and maybe I felt awkward because of this whole asian-tradition-ninja-fighting-stuff. It's not easy to like japanese movies when all people show you about Japan is Manga and Anime, and that's something you dislike. So, perhaps that was why I didn't like to watch Tiger and Dragon. Maybe I would like it now. I do love Last Samurai. Not really the fighting scenes but the quiet moments he spent in that little japanese village. When he got there, he was a desperate alcoholic, having nightmares about all the wars he had fought in life and having these regrets for killing innocent people. By the time he left the village (only to come back to it later), he was sober, he had found his inner peace in that little mountain village, he knew what sense his life had and where he wanted to be. And there was this one scene when the boy asked him why he would fight against the white people for he was one himself, and Nathan said, "Because they want to kill what I started to love." That's how I understood it, how I construed it: He lost his love for his own country, his pride in being an american soldier, Captain to be precise, for all of the wars he fought, for all the women and children he murdered, and realized that this little village that was supposed to be his enemy, was his inner peace. Those people showed him what life and love was about, they were kind and helpful to him even though he had killed their husbands, fathers and sons.
The movie wasn't too kitschy, it was amazing. I would watch it again.

Oh, this post is going to be very long. I have another thing.
After 5 years of on-and-off obsession with Brad, I think I finally found out what I like about him. First of all, his guitar playing. Second of all, his sense of humor. But that's not really something special, I think we all have many people we like for those two things. I think for me, it's his smile. His mysterious smile, that he shows so often in interviews. It gives you room to think about his words, it makes you question yourself what he would mean with it. The same goes for his humor I think, he has his very own sense of humor which many people find arrogant.
The thing with me is, whenever he puts on this mysterious smile, my brain starts to work harder; I start to ask myself questions about his smile and what he could mean with it. There are so many questions in my head, I want to know so much, i.e. how he deals with certain questions in interviews, how he thinks about his answers, how he chooses his words, etc. He's the type of guy who sits there in interviews, staring either at his bandmates or the interviewer but no matter what, he gives you the impression of being in a totally different world with his mind. As if he wasn't part of the scene but all of a sudden, he gives like the perfect answer that causes you to ask yourself: "What the hell? This guy wasn't even listening to the question!" And that's his mystery. That lets my brain work harder and faster, overloads it with questions and wondering but what agitates me the most: I won't ever get an answer to any of those questions. It'll remain a mystery.
Same goes for my girlfriend; sometimes I'm wondering about her process of thinking as well since in some situations, her answers are so full of different meanings. Definitely, her words are well-chosen, and I don't mean all of the said as an insult. It's just... I'm someone who needs to have it clear. I need to know it precisely and I need to know much as well, for all of these damn questions in my head. It's like I need to study my fellow men from head to toe before I start feeling comfortable around them. But most of the time, you can't find an answer to your questions, so they remain unanswered, you remain unsatisfied. It's agitating, at times it drives me mad not to find the answers but that's what keeps it a mystery. And I think I'm attracted to mysterious people, living with them is a challenge for me and I love to challenge myself, particularly when it comes to that stuff. That I don't get an real, clear and satisfying answer to each question I ask my girlfriend, I think that's what fascinates me about her. She has this mysteriousness as well, and it's one thing I love about her.
And I think that's what makes me like Brad that much, too.

That's it for today. Things to do today: Posting the bio's, finishing the message board, and maybe continuing some writings.

Currently listening to: Paramore - We are broken

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

New Layout and other random news

There I am, back with a new layout. Dark, gray and kinda depressing. Let's say it's my reflection of fall. Fall brings most of the people into a colorless state, so I think the lack of color fits here pretty well.

I assume that everyone noticed how busy I've been for the past few days. Sunrise On Fire kills me someday. Either that or I should loosen my grip on it for a bit. On the other hand, I love it so much. I wasn't able to work on anything a few weeks ago for my computer broke down twice. Repairing twice in such a short time can be really exhausting, and this stupid thing is bitching again. So, I didn't get to work on Sunrise On Fire or my blog or anything else. The only thing I did was watching cartoons online. Which is not really a bad thing but... I didn't even noticed how much effect it had on my mood. I didn't until I started working on several wallpapers; I suddenly felt alive again. Complete. Those experiences show me that there's nothing else I should rather do for a living. If I had a job that wasn't from that field and I wouldn't have enough spare time for art, I'd pretty sure go insane.
And I think I'm getting better, more experienced and yeah, I start liking my own stuff. Which highly never happens, actually. But what hasn't changed in my life? I started to like bands I used to hate, I fell in love with Family Guy which I used to find boring and it's hard for me to get depressed. No matter what happens. I'm doing good. Oh, I'm listening to LP regularly again. I only have Paramore, Billy Talent, Hey Monday, LP and Dead By Sunrise on my hard drive, so my iTunes is shuffling through all these songs all day long.

But I think I'm wrapping this up right here. Have a nice and save day :)