In my summer, our last summer...

Dunno how I'm feelin'. I can tell that I'm not feelin'... pretty well. That's all... I could sigh all the time. Fortunately -and that's good for my ears, my soul and my mind-, I have to listen to music again, can't stand the silence. I hate when I'm in a state where I feel comfortable listening to the silence. If this happens - I'm in a horrifyingly bad state.

Right now... emotional death seems so close. Or at least breakdown. It's hard for me to breathe at times, yesterday I thought I was about to faint because I couldn't breathe. There was like a knot in my chest which hindered me to fill my lungs with air.

I feel sick. Just glad that I've got another appointment on wednesday. So, I can tell her everything...

I'm feeling so heavy, that heavyness as if you can hardly move. As if the next moment would be the last with air. Like you know that the moment will come when you stop breathing. Soonish.
I'm calm inside, no pain, no hurt, no regrets, no fear. Nothing. Just taking in all I can get in case it's the last time I can the experience the world in its current state now. It's almost like you suddenly notice how beautiful everything is and that it's just too great to leave it all behind. To leave it forever.
I'm not going to live forever and my life's too short to be wasted, but sometimes you reach a point where you can't move. You start to feel useless, like the best you've ever made, the best you were able to give is just not enough. It's not enough.
But you can't give up. Because you're too proud to just give up, only because someone thinks you're not worth it. You want to keep on going, keep on trying with what you have reached so far, with what you have gained and experienced. You feel so much stronger, so much more reasonable.
Even if you lost this game, you feel like a winner though. Let's head to the next one, maybe this time the prize is yours.

Beware! Criminal!

Either, I'm holding on that feeling or I... I'm losing track? Or my mind is reducing something important. Maybe its connection to my heart, shortening it to a length that can't be even called length. I don't know. Who am I supposed to be if I knew it? Well, I can tell how it feels. It feels weird. Ever been something between "not-so-sober-anymore" and almost drunken? And what it feels like the day after? It feels so numb. Like living in a dream, like living in a surreal world, miles and miles away from reality. It doesn't even feel like living, more like floating. Or only existing.
Anyways, I love this feeling of floating or only existing. Nothing wrong with that but to get this beloved feeling, I got to get almost drunk. And because I love that feeling, I don't mind drinking. But I should.
Anyways, anyways, I'm feeling kind of like that. Kind of numb, kind of limb. Something between becoming unconscious and being conscious. Cut it short: something scary and weird.
It scares me so much, I'm on my way to become an alcoholic and I don't really care to change it. It sucks.
Well, anyways, I should get something to eat.

Run, baby, run, don't ever look back...

I need to curse about something. Something related to the subject that has the honor to be named "society". Or civilization as some call it.
Honestly, wouldn't it be awesome to be that certain someone who changes the world? To whom people look up 100 years after darkness forever surrounded you? How would it be then, to have teachers preaching their students that what you once said hundreds of hundreds of years ago is the right way to go? That the words you wrote down to collect them and sell them as a book, is one of the values of the world's civilization? Would that be anything to aim for?
I don't think so. Everybody is supposed to know that everything is relative in life, so are the theories about life by so many important and famous people who were geeks and liars to the people they were sharing a time period with, but are only a dead body for the people in our time.
What I'm trying to say is, who ever decided that what people like Immanuel Kant said is right? I don't want to say that he is wrong, personally I agree with him. But why can't people decide on their own, what they choose to be values for them or what's right and what's wrong? In school, they're telling you that what people like Kant or Nietzsche once said is right. That it's what you should believe in, that it's nothing you can choose to accept or not. But what if, they're wrong? What if their words don't make any sense to you? Do you still have to believe in them?