Dead and tired.

Old, I'm feeling old right now. Physically and mentally. Every single part of my body hurts, not because of the jumping and pushing, mostly because the waiting I assume. What was it? A 9 hours wait? Oh hell, maybe even 12 hours. I don't remember. I think I started to get annoying right after soundcheck, I asked my friend for time like every 30 minutes. Mostly, because I wanted to stand somewhere else.
Seriously, you're getting used to it. I don't feel as damaged as usually after concerts, my voice is still there! XD I can talk! But I'm tired. And kind of exhausted. Back to the feeling of being old.
As we sat there and waited to get in, we listened to the conversations of the fans around us. Fans, well... let's put it this way: mostly people who think that they're fans. They may be, but no real fans. I don't know why and when I started to consider myself as real fan but... I think I am. A real fan isn't only there to look at only one LPer, a real fan knows everything, 'specially when it comes to the lyrics, the ups and downs, the whole structure of Linkin Park, a real fan knows everything about the LP system. About traditions, about behavior, about... well, everything. Of course, you can't know every little fact, that's not what I'm trying to say.
You don't have to be a fan for 9 or 6 years (like me) to be considered as real fan. It's like... real fans feel who's a real fan and who only pretends to be one.
Coming back to yesterday's show in Stuttgart... there were soooooo many pretentious fans. You could feel that. Or hear. They said that there were about... 31.000 people, and in our corner, it seemed like we were the only two die-hard fans. Except the guy next to me. He was new to this whole concert thingie, it was his first one but still, you could hear that he was a die-hard fan. I mean there were people who didn't even know how the band looked! And they considered themselves as fan! There were so many people who couldn't sing along with Crawling or In the end or One step closer, people who didn't understand why some of us were rocking even more to One Step Closer, why we reacted that way to the song. I mean, come on... if you think you're a fan, you at least know the lyrics! And as sad as it was, at least Chester and Brad noticed that. Most of the time they stood in front of us and even pointed at us because we knew every single word.
I'm not angry or anything, not mad, I don't have the feeling of ripping off their heads or something. It's just sad. Even though, Stuttgart was a very good show, the crowd was great, the singing was good. The band was good, the venue was huge. All in all, a great experience, worth the pain, the frustration.
Back to the feeling of being old. I've been a fan for 6 years, Stuttgart was my 6th show, and I really started to feel old. So did my friend. There were fans either fans for 8+ years but pretentious or fans who are actually only fans when there's an occasion to be one. And it was sad that there were so many LPUers who didn't sing along.
I felt so old only because of the experiences I made. Because I could stay calm when Mike walked by, I mean... it's Mike. And even with Chester. I already did touch them, I know that I will have the opportunity to talk to them properly someday. So why pushing against everybody, jeopardize like my life, only to touch Mike? Or a sweaty, half-naked Chester? Even if you've never touched them, there'll be a time when you'll be able to. As long as you don't plan to quit your job as LP fan, there's no reason to hurry or bring yourself in danger, only to get closer to them because it will happened someday anyway in a way saver way.

Dunno, if I really want to upload my sucky pictures of the show. Maybe the ones of Funeral for a friend I made. THEY WERE FUCKING AWESOME!
Coheed and Cambria sucked, they didn't involve the crowd. And the singer of Funeral for a friend asked, if we'd be looking forward to see Coheed and Cambria and everybody was like "yeah...". Like, "Oh, he's nice, let's just give him a fake answer so he's happy." But you could hear that no one wanted to see them! XD It was soooo fucking boring. At least I was able to watch the people backstage.

So... I made 3 great photos of Chester, I'm proud of them. The ones of Brad would've been great but there was something on my camera oO well... Brad distracted me so often! Was so awkward that he looked at me so often. I don't really like that...

EDIT:
I own these photos!
And... nice dog of yours, Rob. x3 Cute!

Ernie got wasted II

So, finally done. *sighs* Hopes, anyone would like it. Hopes, anyone would see it. oO
It's the most colorful drawing i've ever done (well, childhood drawings don't count). I like the idea. x3 Mikey, Mikey...

*yawns* Off to bed. Gonna be a long long day today, friend's coming over, we will have to get early to bed since we're going to head off to Stuttgart Wednesday morning, 5 o'clock. So, i won't be able to update or talk or tweet or whatever. XD

Parteh song! :D

Quizzzzzz!

I just took the "Witch character from Linkin Park are u ?" quiz and got: Brad Delson! What about you?

Bubbles...

Maybe there's someone who likes it...

Ernie got wasted

*glances over to table on which Braddles and Chesta are lying* Brad's face looks so off ><

Where's my self-confidence? It's gone again. And left me with my doubts. I'm in such a conflict right now, it just hurts.

Besides, my headaches are getting worse. I should really go to bed. But first, I wanna finish my drawing. :) Happy Bradford with his Bubble-friend Chesta. Seriously, after six years of Chestaness in my life, I had to look for a photo of him on which he shows his flames because I wasn't sure about the colors XD Naaaah, he will forgive me. Well, he has to.

Anyways, thanks for the shouts, i love comments! Comments! Comments!

Listening to Stone Temple Pilots - No way out

I got my hands on a miracle...

I actually wanted to add some links to my sidebar but that doesn't work. Missing my laptop! D:

So, this is Chesta, and I tried to work on him in the sucky PhotoImpact 12 with a normal mouse and look how it went on! XD it looks so horrible!

Anyways... back to mah day. We talked about Mike during therapy, was kinda fun. We found out that I think it's embarrassing that Mike said that my drawing I showed him a year ago looked good. And yes, it's still embarrassing. However, he should know what's a good drawing and what's not, I don't think that it was that good and... why should it be? XD

But well, then again - it's just Mike, so I won't win a prize with that.

I'm not broke, I'm just a broken hearted man

So, this is what I'm working on currently. Nothing spectacular but I thought I post it.

This thing on his head is supposed to be a halo, I dunno if it looks like it since my mum asked me about it today, so... well. It's not done yet and...

But I'm better at drawing noses than ever before! I think I can be proud of -at least- that.

Anyways, the idea for this picture came to my mind while listening to "Rusty halo" by The Script. I love that song so much!

There's something else I got on my mind, besides some story ideas, so it's gonna be a long, long night! :D

And... I'm sorry for annoying anybody with my silly posts and my stupid, eye-cancer-causing drawings.

Before the worst...

I'm such a loser >.<

Well, Chesta and I are having a lot of fun, even without the eyes. But I will draw him some later, until then... he is blind! XD

And his head is sooooooo big! Just like Dib's!

Mum was speechless when I showed him to her, didn't expect her to but... well, it made me speechless. Oh, no, wait, it made me saying "But I can't draw."

Everybody knows this phrase and before I can say it, it's their turn to do so. Which is kinda funny, having someone saying that you can't draw, when it's not their opinion but yours.

So, another silly post but well... XD Just wanted to say that I suck and that I'm a loser.

Chesta and me, signing out.

Sometimes I don't make sense

To everybody who went to art school and everybody who goes to art school and is about to: FUCK YOU. I'm not really jealous, it's just... it only reminds me of the miserable situation I'm stuck in. If there's one thing that breaks down all the walls I built, then it's the fact that I'm too dumb to help myself.

I know what I can do to improve my skills. Well, people keep saying that my skills were good enough, but I want them to be as good as I want it, I make the measurement, not anybody else. So when I decide that my works suck, then they suck. And there's no point why I would ever stop thinking this way.

Yes, I'm pulling myself further down this hole but it's all that I can do. I've never done another thing but ruining my life. And this won't ever stop.

I know how I can work on that, how I can make things better but I don't have the patience (or maybe strength) to keep on going until I'm done.

The fact that I will have to work for another career makes it even worse. And there's no reason to start another attempt because I already failed.

"Why are you running out of fuel that quickly?"

...feeling sick, it's 7.31am and i only slept for like.... 20 minutes? I won't be able to sleep this afternoon, but that's ok. Going to bed early then instead.

But there are many other things why I'm feeling sick... well, 's alright, they'll solve themselves on their own eventually. :)

Heading off in an hour or so, hopefully someone's awake until then, or before that, would appreciate that.

Jack Skellington is singing in my head, is kinda funny.

"Why are you running out of fuel that quickly?"

"I emptied it out."

"You emptied it? Why?"

"To make room for the tuna."

I love that part! Or: "WHY is his head sooooo big? WHY is his HEAD sooooooo BIIIGG?" XD

Everything is heavy, am I still alive?

My arms are so heavy, and I was only cleaning the damn rug in the living room. But well, resting some before continuing to clean. Next stop is my room, only washing the dishes and vaccum-cleaning the floor, upstairs and downstairs.

After that, preparing the waffles and collecting all my dvds together. And maybe watching some InvaderZim. Again.

Should've done the layout last night but couldn't find the right pictures so I have to wait until tomorrow to continue. Hopefully, I'm done with it by sunday. That would be great.

But cleaning and listening to Room Eleven very louldly is more like relaxing than working! Jazz is just so awesome, the best music to enjoy :)

Well, I think I make a new layout for my blog right now, so I can delete this header... not that I don't like it, it's great but it's not so good to have like the same header as on the other blog, well, fansite. Maybe that's just me.

Working on a layout...

It is soooo depressing! First of all, it's too hot to focus on anything! As if it wasn't hot enough with the laptop on my lap, no, Kitty has to come and cuddle itself against my leg. Thanks, Kitty.

And no, it's not my cat and her name is not Kitty.

Additionally, I am working on a new layout right now. And you know what? I am waiting for HOURS for this idea to pop up in my head and it finally did so just about a few minutes ago. I shouldn't be so mad right now, but I am, and why? There is one freaking picture I need to get the layout done. WITHOUT this stupid tag on his beautiful face. It's so depressing!

I can't log into any Coppermine galleries anymore, which sucks so bad. At least that fact helps me with the decision wether creating an own gallery or taking a Coppermine one. Haha, thanks.

Not fair. Not fair at all. I will have to ask a friend but I'm afraid that she'll bite my head off, even though I know that she won't. Because she's such a lovely person!

Hate to ask people for things, it's not only making you dependent from them, no, it just sucks. You can't ask for things over and over again and not giving back any of it. EVEN if the certain person offers you their help.

Everything sucks.

Well, I should empty the glass and then try it again.

This is going to be a great night...

I fell through the ice...

Photoshop, I hate you.

Asshole, I hate you, too.

This is why I hate the first thing:

Recently, I decided that art is nothing for me. So I quitted drawing and stuff (no, little doodles don't count!), taking photos as well. Was really good at doing so. Oh no, wait. It was hard to talk about art. About art school in particular since I stopped working for it. There's no way that I will ever be accepted at an art school, so why wasting my time with trying? Art's not my thing, I'm not hooked or anything. Sure, I put too much pressure on myself but who does not? I just don't want to end up hurt. I don't want to put too much effort into a drawing that no one likes. I know I'm not supposed to make others happy but what is life if you're the only one interested into it? So that's art for me. Drawing means that I want to express myself. Feelings and thoughts that I usually keep locked up inside of me only find their way to the surface through a pencil. And I want someone to see it. To look at it and at least think "I know how you're feeling now, I understand". But no reaction means that no one was able to understand me. And that hurts.

Denying that I love art and that I love to draw isn't less painful either but... maybe it helps. I'll learn how to hide it. Even though it won't never stop hurting to know that I'll never live my dream.

But back to Photoshop. It got me. I figured that the more I try to push art off of my life, the less I succeed. I only wanted to work on the screenshots of my Sims I took the other day, and you know what happened? I ended up being proud of it. Because I didn't use anything, I made it all on my own!

I'm going to upload them later, after I added the phrases of my best friend to them :)

And the other thing I mentioned in the beginning of this post... nahh, it's my secret. He cut his hair again.

I've got pain in my body

Energy drinks usually have less caffeine than a normal cup of coffee. To a certain extent - that's not fair. I would want them too have more caffeine when not more than a cup of coffee.

But let's look at it from another perspective: If you love caffeine, no matter in which substance (either it's a coke, a cup of coffee, an energy drink or whatever else contains caffeine), but you usually feel more like drinking beer all day long, why not replacing the beer with an energy drink? Keep drinking energy whenever your head tells you, you need a beer. So, in this case, it's rather good that energy drinks don't have that much caffeine. Imagine you would drink coffee for each beer you would drink (assumed you have 10 bottles a day), your body wouldn't be able to handle all the caffeine.

So, energy drinks have less caffeine than coffee but what makes energy drinks better is this fact of less caffeine because you can drink more of it than you could drink coffee.

Another point for energy drinks: When they're cooled, they're even tastier which is good in summer ;)

Eyes are burning.

I actually wanted to present a... I dunno, beginning of a book? I dunno... well, it's just something I wrote a few years ago and I used to keep it on my computer but... it's GONE. It's so frustrating. It can't be just... gone. Like blown with the wind, like pulled down into the bucket of hell.

I was so proud of it and now it's gone. I'm still looking for someone who might like it but how am I supposed to find that certain person when there's no story to like for them?

So far, that's all... despite, I'm fecking tired, my eyes are on fire, it's hard to figure out the letters in this writing box, you know... I should get into my buddy Beddie. And freeze while it's so humid outside. I'm weird. But who's not?

I'm 18 years old, female, currently live in Germany, love rock, alternative and indie music, love the particular styles to these genres, love cars that are able to transform into something bigger x3 (hey, i wouldn't mind a car like Bumblebee... then again, who would?)

And now, I'm gonna go 'n watch "21 guns" for the hundredth time and then go to bed. Thanks.

Oh, and there's something amazing I have to add: http://www.wired.com/rawfile/2009/06/model-trains/