The very worst part of me is YOU

Five past three in the morning, and I'm not able to sleep. I need to clear my mind about something.

I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of not making proper attempt of changing my situation. But I need to. I've got to change, I've got to get rid of what puts me down for years. And this is you. You awful monster inside of me. I enjoyed having you with me when I was little. Getting off that leash of innocence once in a while. I loved to be a bad girl at times. At times. Those other times I was good, lovely. Never been disgrateful, never been disrespectful. But things got of hand and you were making your way to my surface, taking off my guard and letting you win. You know, back then, you were useful. You made me realize that I'm better off alone and that friends and family make you only weak and an easy target. You helped me getting through that hell I've been through, you were a protection shield for me, preventing me from pain, disappointment and even death by making me uncapable of being in any kind of relationship. It was good back then, I wouldn't be here now, without you taking me over.
That was yesterday. I've found friends that are reliable, I've found my place in this world and I can protect myself from now on. Because other than you, I am able to rely on people, to trust them and to love. I'm not fighting them off or seeing them as kind of disease. I know what they are, my family, and they're not making me any weak but stronger than ever.
And with this strength, I get rid of you. I don't need you anymore! The past years you only ruined things for me, turning me into something heartless, into someone who prefers to run from love and luck than drown in its energizing feeling. I don't need you to make me run away from the person I love the most ever again, only to kill myself with pain and desperation. I'll stay with the one I love, the only way I can stay sane. I won't betray her again only because you're addicted to adventures and risks. I'm not like that, I'm not dangerous. And you're not going to make me believe this wrong image of myself ever again! I know who I am and I can only keep on living without you in me. 'Cause you're my death.
I'm done with you and your behavior. I beat you once, and I'll win this time, too!