I'll be waiting

This is going to be my last post here, I'm going to move my blog to Wordpress (thanks to a certain someone - you know who you are!). So probably the last post. About a rather sensitive subject but it's better this way than asking a whole lot of questions to someone who's unable to give you answers. Here it comes...

I'm doing quite good, I have to say. Except of the mornings. The second I wake up, reality greets me with a painful slap and each time I wish it would kill me. Same goes for the moments before falling asleep; it's hard to push those thoughts and feelings away. Well, a few minutes ago, I woke up and actually felt good but since the world's against my fortune, my good mood got ruined. I feel like I'm not worth to be even a friend to her. And honestly, I don't believe her words. I just can't. The way she treats me... even with only a bit of truth in her words, her treatment wouldn't be as cruel! It makes me sad and angry. And perhaps this anger is the cause for this second state I'm in.
Myself is split up into three different parts or selfs. The first is the one to accept the situation and this way trying to overcome it. The second is pure... well, maybe not anger. It's just that I don't care. Superficially, I don't. About her, about her feelings, about my pain, about this whole misery. This part of me is trying to move on and let her be, maybe even trying to find someone new. And make her find someone new who can make up all my mistakes. Who makes the efforts of her tattoo worth it. So we can say our farewell to each other and live without the other in our lives. And I can move on and get out of this hell.
It's just superficial that I don't care and wish I was able to leave her behind. Deep down there's a fire eating me up from inside, I'm in huge pain, actually. But I'm not going to show it... cause this third part of me agrees with the other two, mostly, that I'll have to find someone new for me. Although no one can make me as happy as she has and she does. I'll have to live with someone that can only make me half-happy but you can't have anything, right?
I really wish I could say, "Damn, then I'll never ever fall in love again." But I can't because I need to love someone and I need to be loved. And the certain love I need is the one I can't get. Yet.
So, I guess, whatever it takes, I'll be waiting. Until her feelings are back, no matter how long it's going to take. I know she doesn't want me to, and that I shouldn't waste my time on it and that I shouldn't give my heart away. But she also says that I'm old and smart enough to decide on my own and I'm fully aware of all the consequences this will bring but I just don't care. I want her, and I want to be with her and I've decided to wait for her and if I'll have to die before I know - I don't care. I love her more than anything else before and I'm not going to give up. I don't have to if I don't want to and I don't want. She's all I've ever wanted and all I'll ever want.
I don't want to lose her and losing her includes losing her to someone else, however it's partly what I want for her. Well, I don't want to lose her to somebody else in particular, I rather want... to see her happy. No matter what it takes.

So, the conclusion of this: I'll be waiting forever if it'll take this long. I think that I'm still here, standing straight and not strong to face the tragedy, I think it shows that I'm able to wait for her. And I will be.

And this is the last thing I'll say about this topic.

The very worst part of me is YOU

Five past three in the morning, and I'm not able to sleep. I need to clear my mind about something.

I'm sick of all of this. I'm sick of not making proper attempt of changing my situation. But I need to. I've got to change, I've got to get rid of what puts me down for years. And this is you. You awful monster inside of me. I enjoyed having you with me when I was little. Getting off that leash of innocence once in a while. I loved to be a bad girl at times. At times. Those other times I was good, lovely. Never been disgrateful, never been disrespectful. But things got of hand and you were making your way to my surface, taking off my guard and letting you win. You know, back then, you were useful. You made me realize that I'm better off alone and that friends and family make you only weak and an easy target. You helped me getting through that hell I've been through, you were a protection shield for me, preventing me from pain, disappointment and even death by making me uncapable of being in any kind of relationship. It was good back then, I wouldn't be here now, without you taking me over.
That was yesterday. I've found friends that are reliable, I've found my place in this world and I can protect myself from now on. Because other than you, I am able to rely on people, to trust them and to love. I'm not fighting them off or seeing them as kind of disease. I know what they are, my family, and they're not making me any weak but stronger than ever.
And with this strength, I get rid of you. I don't need you anymore! The past years you only ruined things for me, turning me into something heartless, into someone who prefers to run from love and luck than drown in its energizing feeling. I don't need you to make me run away from the person I love the most ever again, only to kill myself with pain and desperation. I'll stay with the one I love, the only way I can stay sane. I won't betray her again only because you're addicted to adventures and risks. I'm not like that, I'm not dangerous. And you're not going to make me believe this wrong image of myself ever again! I know who I am and I can only keep on living without you in me. 'Cause you're my death.
I'm done with you and your behavior. I beat you once, and I'll win this time, too!

After all, life's only about cookies & milk

Yeah, long time no see... Haven't had the urge to express my feelings and thoughts by blogging until yesterday. Just like Dumbledore says in Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire, sometimes your head gets too heavy and filled up with thoughts that you have to share 'em or save 'em elsewhere. So, it's one of those times now.

I planned on changing the layout but I'm too lazy these days. My schedule doesn't allow me any breaks but how would a schedule work without breaks anyways? Who am I to not allow me some rests? There I am, sitting in my chair in my room all night, thinking, thinking, thinking. Wondering what's wrong with me. Unfortunately, I didn't come to a conclusion yesterday. All I know is, that I've got the urge to kick my ass or rip off some hair or whatever else. Regrets, like I wanna turn back time so badly to relive my teenage years.

I know, I'm only turning 19 in about 3 months but hell, that's my last year as a teenager! I've wasted the best part in my life! The time of life to which people tend to think back when they're older, telling their kids and their kids' kids about the cool or dangerous things they've done. But what will I say? Oh well, I haven't had any friends until age 17. Wasted my life being bullied by my school mates, too shy and frightened to be myself. Damn, I wanna turn back time... I wanna relive my life with the people I call my friends nowadays. I know that it's impossible and it's silly to get desperate about it.

The actual thing is, what causes this feeling, that it suddenly dawned on me that I'm growing old. I know 19 isn't old. But look at it this way. I died with almost 17 and got reborn with 18. Like I only started living last year! There are so many things that I haven't done yet but other people around my age've already done them a few times. Feels like I'm wasting my time.

Sure, my friends and I spend a lot of time together and we've already done some stuff that I've always wanted to. Like that one time after the festival when we sat on the porch, looking out for falling stars. It's one of my most favorite memories, I love thinking back to it.

Or my 18th birthday. I drank so much and ate just a little, that I had to throw up before going to bed. But do my friends care? No. It doesn't matter. I think since then, since my birthday party, I feel like... a special connection to my best friend. She didn't drink as much as I did... or she drank more, I dunno, at least she was more wasted than me. But it kinda strengthened our friendship.

And the Billy Talent concert I attended with my other best friend last November. All these events just convinced me that this is for real and that this is forever.

Mum had her doubts. When I was about to leave school, we had a talk... well, actually, she yelled at me about how much of an idiot, a loser and a coward I was. She said, "Just wait until the next school term starts, and they'll turn their backs on you like everybody else before them." I think she was even referring to my girlfriend. She said something like, "She'll leave you when she finds out how useless you are, just like your father." But look! My friends are still with me and they'll always be. Though, my girlfriend and I are going through a rough time, may affecting our relationship but not our love. And it'll be good, all good in the end.

Still, there's this thought on my mind, almost like a voice. It whispers, "You're getting old. Look at you; you could've become a rebel like you've always dreamed about as a kid." But today I'm nothing more than myself, and nothing less than that.

PS: New fanfiction up on my LJ, check it out.

Life's coming too fast

Recently, I joined the club of book-reading people but other than them, I don't read certain vampire books or books on which are TV shows based on. And the book I'm reading, currently, is the one that animated me to write this blog post.

Years ago, when I was an isolated 8th-grader, I would go to the school's library once a week and look for either English books or books about domestic abuse. I read old English books back then, classic books like Bram Stoker's Dracula or Agatha Christie. English has always been my favorite language and perhaps, that's why I prefer to read English books. Maybe it's also the reason why I was one of the best in my whole grade in English. Later, I bought some English books for reading at home. I've never really gotten around to read them; either I got bored of them right in the beginning or I had no interest in reading.

One of these books is the one I'm currently reading. It's called Catch me when I fall by Nicci French (A/N: Two authors who combined their names). I started reading it recently and since I only read every once in a while, I'm still not done with it. But I just reached a point in the book where it gets really, really interesting. I love this book. It's so realistic and the emotions and things that happen aren't far-fetched as in many books I've read so far. But before I start telling how much I like it, here's a little description on the story:

A successful, self-confident woman named Holly Krauss lives her life fast and dangerous. She runs her own little company with her best friend, is married to an illustrator and is like a magnet to danger and trouble.

In the beginning of the book, she's in a bar with her best friend and another friend. There she gets to know some other people with whom she spends the evening, drinking, clubbing, drinking and ending up in bed with one of them. That's basically where the problems start: She tries to forget about the cheating on her husband as much as possible. But things get messed up and the guy from that night stalks her. Also, in her company, she runs into big trouble: One of your employees does a lousy job and Holly decides to fire her what ends in a disaster; the fired employee threatens her. Things get out of hand, the stalker, the ex-employee and her husband who is obviously frustrated because of his job.

Holly tries her best to keep on track, to help her husband and try to lead her company (and herself) out of the misery. But it fails and she ends up having insomnia, several times she feels so exhausted that she's unable to move. She's not herself anymore, can't make out the limits of herself or change her behavior. When life finally seems to calm down a bit, she runs into the next big trouble and causes more damage on her life and the people around her than before.

That's how far I am. Actually, it's better to read the book. There are so many little details to which I can relate to, that you couldn't just post here. For example:

Her husband, Charlie, is an illustrator and works at home. When she met him, Holly thought being an illustrator meant that people want you and call you for a job. She thought it would be easy to work in that field but when she got to know him better, he and his job, she found out that it wasn't as glamorous and awesome as she'd thought before. It's about running around, handing your portfolio to people, work your ass of to have a chance for a job. You can lose everything as fast as you gained it because new, fresh illustrator finish university every year.

First, he convinces her that he'll get a job, so they could pay the mortgage. But later in the book, he reveals that being an illustrator isn't as enjoyable anymore. It's not what he loves to do anymore, it's just work. Drawing, creating things is nothing more than earning money. He lost his passion, his love for art. One other reason is that he wanted to publish a book with illustrations of him but the company denied it for being... crap. It ruined all his self-confidence and made his drawings worthless to him.

I know how that feels, I just so know it. It's not that I can't handle criticism but when the person whose opinion is the one that decides whether you made a good job or not, when this person doesn't like your work, it just takes all of your respect, self-esteem, love, passion, etc. from you. It kills a big part of you, and makes you stop walking, sit down and watch life pass by. You have this one thing, this one talent and you love doing it, when that is denied, what else can you do then?

Another thing that someone in the book says, is that if you really, really love something, it's sometimes better to keep it as a hobby instead of doing it for money. And I agree on that. I am stuck with art but if I'd do it for a living... who gives me the guarantee that I won't start to hate it? It doesn't have to be like this but what if it would? I don't want to risk it and so I'll keep it as my hobby. Maybe it will grow to something bigger someday but if then, it would be my destiny and not forced.

And I think that it doesn't matter what kind of job I'll get someday. As long as I like it and get paid well for it. Since I need to feed a family, and I want my family to enjoy life and not worry about money. ´

I always thought that I need the most perfect job to become happy. Therefore, I didn't want to do any job that's actually just a quite nice one. I wanted to do things people could look up to, I wanted people to say, "Wow, she really made it." But who says you gotta have a matching, perfect, amazing job to be happy? In the past few days, I changed my mind about it. I don't the most perfect job in the world, I don't need to work my ass of to get people attention. Maybe I would end up with a lot of money but money's not what makes me happy.

In my (new) opinion, it doesn't matter what impression your job has on others. It doesn't matter what people think about your achievements, as long as you have something that makes you happy. Something constant in your life. And I came to the conclusion that there's nothing in the world I want more than a family. My very own family. I would accept any job just to feed my family and satisfy their desires. It would be all that could make me happy. A family would make the past years worth fighting, it would be my paradise.

Since my fiancée and I already talk about it, I started to make plans for the next year. I don't want things to happen to fast; I'd rather wait for things to be perfect than hurry up for a mess. The bare thought of what's about to come makes me so happy, it increases my optimism and self-confidence so much. After things have ended in a disaster, this was truly unexpected but it makes it all up.

Life's coming too fast, kind of. Faster than I've expected but if the result would match my wishes, I'm totally fine with it!

Currently listening to: Paramore - That's what you get

Got so far

This post's going to be very long and personal. I got inspired to write it last night when I was lying in bed and remembered my first steps as LP fan. Perhaps this will change your mind about me, you'll think that I'm crazy and obsessed. The following will explain many things, hopefully; maybe it will clear up some things and justify some of my actions.

If not... hell, I don't care. Read it, ignore it, comment, call me names (that's not an invitation for you, Kathrin!).

Recently, a friend and I talked about a girl from twitter and my conversation with her. This girl agreed with me that fans who are only with the band for their looks, aren't real fans and aren't really a part of our community. Usually, when you have a conversation on this topic, you get curious about the fan being of the other. In this case, I asked her when she started calling herself a fan of LP. Her answer made me cry - for laughter. I think so did my friend when I told her about it. Actually, I expected that girl to say "for about one year" which would be okay. I know many fans who started listening to LP like a year ago. But this girl still has to reach that mark.

Our fan community is very friendly, actually. We're very supportive and we're pretty much like a very big family. I think many fellows agree with me on that ;). But when it comes to newbies, most of us (particularly the older fans, old as in being a fan) become a bit rude. Let's call it defensive. I think we're sometimes just too proud. We're very careful; like with new neighbors: you try to find out more about them, weight it out and maybe build a fence to protect your territory. We can be really mean to newbies. And that's why we laughed about her. She's a fan for about half a year now, and doesn't know anything. My friend's a fan for about 4 years now, I think, and I am for 6 and a half years. As I put it: "We're one with the band after such a long time."

I remember how it was with me, about 6 years ago. I was twelve and just joined a German message board. My first step into a fan community and I wasn't aware about its hierarchy. Back then, I was naive, to some grade I was like the cliché fangirlie; I had a big crush on Mike. The difference between my twelve-year-old ego and a normal teenie booper: When I became a fan, it really was because of their music. Shinoda was one of the last persons of the band who I really noticed. So, I was new, I was naive, I was unexperienced. The perfect victim. They played jokes on me, they laughed at me for my opinion. I still can remember someone's words (actually, one of the few people who were nice to me): "We can have the "die-hard fan" conversation again, when you're 4 years older." Right then, I felt rejected and I was disappointed. Sad and hurt because I thought that I'd finally found friends. Simultaneously, I couldn't believe in those words. I didn't get how they could reject me, when the guys themselves love all their fans - no matter how young they are.

After being a fan for one year, I decided to put all my energy, all my passion and love on this new family of mine. I wanted to become a member of it, one that people wouldn't reject, one they would accept and respect. LP was all I had back then, all my friends left me during that time, my mum wouldn't talk to me neither be supportive. And I wanted to become someone I could be proud of someday and back then, that was the only way to achieve this goal.

I had a plan; to become a Street Soldier someday, join LPU, meet the band and see them live in concert. I worked for it as hard as possible, there was nothing about the band I wouldn't know, I wouldn't see. At age 14, I think, I could've written a book about them with all details. The LP community (yup, LPC as we called it back then) was my home. It was where I was someone. Where people paid attention to me, loved me for just being me. And sharing something important with them.

In 2007, things changed. The goals on my list were not only simple goals; it was my way to force me to stay alive. It was like, "Don't leave before you visited your first LP concert". Maybe because I knew that it would change my mind and even give me new energy. So, two years ago, I achieved almost all goals on my list, one year later, the rest followed. Already after my first concert, things changed. It wasn't important anymore to be up-to-date. It wasn't important to know everything... I kinda let it float. And after my first M&G, I was close to quitting. There was nothing for me anymore to work for; I achieved everything I wanted.

About one year later, today, I'm proud of the kind of fan I've become. I'm exactly the fan I wanted to become and I'm really proud of it. I've experienced so much and I still love LP. They almost like friends but more important: they've become a part of me. A part that changes with me and that I'm proud of.

I'm pretty sure that it didn't make any sense. :[

Currently listening to Linkin Park - In the end